I haven't prayed like this in years yet tonight sitting here outside the house looking at the stars, Lilly asleep inside and Anya in my bed because she thought I was staying in the cathedral for the night, I need to speak my mind aloud...
I haven't really connected with anyone for so long.. Haven't really let anyone get close enough either so why him.. why now? Raiel.. He came out of the blue but he certainly left an impression...
It was just so nice that I forgot myself.. I let my guard down...
I just got carried away with myself.. my curiosity and the wanting to connect was stronger than I anticipated.
Will I see him again I wonder... Not that I will let him get any closer.. Or do I? I mean maybe a part of me does but he is no good... One like him is use to getting what he wants from who he wants I am sure of it and I should keep away from him.. I haven't felt the shadows whisper in so many years but tonight I felt them just like a brush of a feather against the back of my mind but they where there... Temptation... Alost like an old friend or lover welcoming me back....
No! I cannot see him again.. I cannot take that chance... I have Lilly to think of.
Anya has been a blessing to have in my life and help me with Lilly when I am at work but I need to be there for her I am her mother...
What would Jerry not think of me galivanting around like a teenager just become some boy.. a really sexy one... backs his eyes and calls me sweet things... A fool is what I am... And this was a very nice evening but no more of this folly... No Etta put that away and focus on your work and your life...
But by the light I haven't felt more alive in a long long time...
