On my way from the recluse

It has been a nice day... Especially this evening.
Shanura and Whalter are very nice, though i cant understand why he drinks so much all the time?
I am glad Jerry suggested i joine them and Whalter wanted to hire me... It is not Starlight nor would i want it to be... But it is new friends, when old ones have gone away...
I have missed Jerry especially when sitting with the two... lovebirds.
Like seeing people in love and not afraid to show affection...
But yes i have missed him and i hope he is at home, he still has a key...
I am unsure how to take Whalters compliment about me and Reike to heart but i know it was meant as one...

In the still of the night

It was a fun day... well not the training at the cathedral per say though it was good... I seem to be getting stronger in the ways of the light. Sister Brianna is impressed with my progress though she thinks i am holding back.

Well i was invited to a costume party with Jerry and his friends.. Didn't get my costume finished so needed to find something else on the fly... I knew a good illusionist out in Darkshire who gave me an illusion to make me appear as shadow, was really scary looking, one female dreanei even though i was tainted... Weird she could not tell the difference if she was a servant of the light.
Not many showed up to the party, don't know if it was because it was on a normal day or if they had not invited that many, but Jerry and Walter and I ended up trick or treating around Stormwind.
I was SO much fun, but there were so many sour people that surely was NOT in the holiday spirit...
A girl wanted Jerrys autograph on her chest... He got all apologizing about it, but i don't mind such stuff... it was not like he was feeling her up or anything...

It would only be his eyes, words or actions that would hurt me; looking wantingly after another, speaking about the hotness of someone without complimenting me higher in some way or being physical with someone.

No matter... I just need to show him how powerful and consuming love for just one person can be and that it is not bad to fight for someone, something you love... Flings are easy, love is hard work... but the payoff is much greater with love, than fleeting relationships...

Hear me talking like i have a lot of experience in this area, when in fact o have almost non. I have had so many offers and i still do but that does not interest me... I want more than they are willing to give... The deep connection.

As we lay here i feel his breath against my skin, his body so close... I cant stop watching him and thank the moon that he is mine... Am i a fool for believing i have anything he needs?


- the light keep my safe and guide my soul away from darkness

Laying in my bed

By the light what an evening... I finally gave in to my desires,,, maybe a little to much...
There is just something about him that makes me... well... wild
Something in the way he moves, attracts me like no other, i have felt this way for, before.
When i look at him my mind starts to run away with me and my head fills with fantasies.
I cant disguise my hunger anymore.

When i am with him all my lonely days filled with uncertainty disappear when he is near me, when he is near my life hold meaning and i only long to see his smile once more. It feels like magic between us and i feel like i am living on the edge of the world.
All i want is for him to hold me until i cant remember my own name. To kiss me properly like we invented it, tear me apart and take my breath away.

I long for him to come home to me, to take me into his arms and tells me all his troubles, tells me all my charms. In his arms i feel his warmth and it feel like home to me.

We seem so similar yet like night and day.




- Take my breath away my love, take my breath away...

On the way to Westfall

Been a hard day with a lot of traveling and preparations....
After i finished i went to find Jerry. I was told that he would be at the fighting arena under the tram. I havent been there before. Was exciting and scary at the same time.

He was there with Walter, and a couple of others i do not know... but what was up with that large cat. Nealy killed poor Walter... She had her eye for Jerry as well, she must be in heat... heck... only the raised tail was missing...

I needed to cut it short i was so tired after a long day...
It was hard not asking him to come home with me this night but i don't want to lay claim on all his time, i want him to be with his friends as well.

When i see them together i can fell how much i actually miss Starlight... I miss the comfort and unity of others. I have not yet found a similar group but maybe i need to look harder.

I found a note i wrote will i was running... It is about Jas. I cannot lie to myself i do miss him, we had something together and he was... my first. I just turned bad so fast and i was not the one he really wanted... or does he even know what he wants still?

*reads from the note*

I cant help it, i promised myself i wouldn't think of him more.
It's been eleven months and counting since you moved on but i am still stuck.
Cause every time a am a place where we have been together it reminds me of you, fills my head with sweet alluring memories.
Will i ever get strong enough to move on?

Since you left everything is still the same, the only difference is that you call another your love.
Dismiss and discard what we had together.

Am i all alone in the world? There is no love left as i gave my heart away to someone who did not want it.
 
He told me i am free to find someone that deserves me but i never felt changed. 

Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel out of beat with the world without beside me. Everything goes by in slow motion: the night is so cold and lonely... The darkness creeping near... closer and closer...
I should be moving on but i am still holding on to you.

*chuckles a little as she finishes reading out aloud to herself*

Well new memories are being made to cover the old ones.
I got strong and i did move on and i was never alone cause you were there by my side all the time, you came every time i called, every time i needed someone to be there for me. How could i have been so blind and not seen it back then.

Well i will make up for all the pain i have caused and all the trouble i have been that i swear to the light.

- the light help me to keep this promise to myself and keep him safe because he is truly one of your servants even if he does not know it himself.

On my way home from the Recluse

I so needed to get away from him. *sighs low* I cant keep away from him much longer. When he is near my my heart races, i become short of breath and light of head.
Every part of my soul feels ignited... On fire...

He is so wonderful, so caring and mild, so soft and tender, his wild and untamed nature, his strength both of mind, body and soul.
His blue eyes full of joy and mischief, his thoughtfulness and his passion... Oh his passion... I so want to give into it... i so want to let go... i cant keep holding myself back.
When in his arms i feel his longing and it enhances mine. I have wanted him so many times... The camp, the night in Feralas and every second since i have returned.

I cant run away every time he comes to close... I need to ease our longing... but the fear is still playing in my mind, the fear of being discarded... the fear of the darkness, that alluring darkness with all its promises...

Lets see what happens Sunday... I hope he will like it... I am not so good at this...
I am thinking of two places, maybe taking him to the first tomorrow Saturday, if he has the time.
I need to make the last preparations tomorrow morning.

I went to the recluse for a drink and there were this group of men talking about demons i was asked to join them, it was a very interesting conversation. I think one of them had a good eye for me as he kept peering at me all the time... it was also him that
asked me to sit down with them. I must admit he was quite good looking but he is nothing compared to Jerry.

Two of them followed me to where Chip was settled, when i wanted to go home, said it was to dangerous for a woman to walk the streets of Stormwind.Not that scared, I still have the stone but is anyone listening anymore?
Need to test that, need to ask Jerry if he still has his... If he doesn't maybe i can get the necklace refitted to a new ring? No wont take that one on again was a gift i don't want to put on again... I think i have an idea... I do have the money. Need to get that fixed first thing comes dawn...


- The light protect me and keep me safe

At home on the cliff

What have i done to deserve this?! it has been years since i have felt such happiness, felt so special, felt wanted.

I went to see fathers grave today, told him all that had happened then out of the blue Jeff appears wanting me to follow him. I could not see Jerry around which was odd so i followed.
He took me to a box. It was a gift... a gift for me.
It was a red silken dress similar to the one that dreanei we saw yesterday wore. It is so beautiful. Then he came himself... Oh i can watch him for eternity...
He held me close and kissed me.

I felt it could not get any better when suddenly he takes me on a trip, to the islands outside the jungle near home. It was somewhat hard being there again but i would not spoil anything. He had made that rabbit stew i love so much.
we went swimming... By the light i want him SO badly, seeing his almost naked body was almost more than i could bare... so i cut the trip short.

Inviting him home...I could get use to having him here... I hope he will stay tomorrow until i can come back from the cathedral.

I sit here outside the house in the cool night breeze, my heart is racing and my skin is hot... every fiber is screaming for him. So i needed to cool of a bit. It is just so hard laying there with him so close, when he holds me close in his sleep. I long to give in but i need to hold on a little longer, it still dosen't feels right.

Should i put anything into him not responding to what i said about him making my world a better place? that i hope i can make him as happy as he makes me?
Or does he fear the same as me... that i cannot?
It is the darkness and doubt in myself that is talking... I will not let it affect me regarding him... i just want him to be happy... more than anything.

It could sounds as if i have lost myself in this but this is mostly because i do not have a lot else to do yet, my training with Brianna is still going slow, she wants me to take it easy though i do not know why.

I think i have an idea for the coming weekend i just hope he will be free early so we can go...


- The light shine brightly and light my path away from darkness.

At home in Westfall

What an day... I have been training with siter Brianna until sunset. I was so tired when i left the cathedral.
Then of all the people in Azeroth i run into HER... My heart was racing wildly and i was so unsure what to do, how to act or if i should just hope not to be noticed. All the memories of my time with Jas returned in a flash. Memories i have used such a long time packing away... It was horrible; longing, pain, loss, anger, hatred... Darkness!
If it was not for my new found feelings for Jerry i think i would have broken down right there on the bridge.

But something inside said NO, no more fear of Reike Hanistol!
I tried to be polite and she seemed to somewhat respond to it but its hard to tell with her always so angry and closed up. She was with a man, i have seen him before. I hope she has found some happiness she needs it more than most. Then Jerry and some of his friends came and it went a little crazy, seems Reike has some issues with Walter as she tired to push him of the bridge. How he stayed on the ledge i don't know cause she went all in, full force like she always does.
I was surprised that she did not have one of her usual hateful comments on me and Jerry holding hands but i guess she was too cough up in Walter being there.
Jerry took me away from there to the harbor where we meet up with Walter and a woman i have not seen in a long time; Aylian. My cheeks got all hot as i remembered our last meeting. She is such an alluring and charming creature. It was weird for me to have a woman come onto me so strongly and openly. She is very nice though.
But her comment to Jerry at the pond later made me slightly unsure... Well cant blame him.. or her for being together if that was what it was about. Her is so wonderful and well she is so beautiful, missed the plated armor though, there was something about her when she was in that and she still looked like an angel.

At the pond i meet two more of Jerrys friends; Shanura Walters girlfriend and Blaine.

Jerry went home with me. Laying here by his side once more i cannot take my eyes of him as he sleeps. I can't believe he is really mine. The light has blessed me more than i have dared hope since last. To let me feel such happiness again... SO much love... I have loved him for so long but to let it go and grow, not keeping it changed or trying to explain and dismiss it as merely love for a friend, a brother.

You.. have taken me into your arms and you offer the strength and safety I have never had before.
When in your embrace I fear nothing. No one could threaten my soul because with you I know the light within will endure and blossom whatever comes. O, my love – everything has changed. 
The light warms me when I think of you, comforts me when I think of your voice, calms me when I look into your eyes. 
You are my most strong light and that light can never fade – no matter how many shadows gathers around me again. 


- The light look out for us and keep us safe 

Dont want to leave

Elune be praised what an evening... I cant believe this is real. I have thought and dreamed about it so many nights but never thought it would actually come to pass.

He found me by the tree at the harbor, who he managed that i cant imagine.

I was just thinking of him and was unsure if i dared go find him and face him... afraid of the rejection i was sure would come... But it never did!?

He tossed a ball to me, remembering our little joke the other evening. Almost knocked me of the edge catching it but ended on my rear instead... good one Etaine... Didn't you look silly.

Next thing i know he was giving me a backrub... Oh that was heavenly... my poor aching muscles.

I was so sure he was just being sweet ignoring what we had talked about, so he did not have to openly reject me. Boy was i wrong... That kiss... I almost feared he would feel my inner fire, my tiny heart racing so i thought it would explode... but hay i would have died happily.
His strong arms around me pulling me close, his blue eyes regarding me intensively and those lips...
His kiss was so careful and passionate... It was so hard not just to give in to that longing i have had for this for SO long.

I got all fluttered and asked him out for a drink, taking him to the camp... our place...

He had changed to something more formal, was weird seeing him like that but he looked good.
I had changed to my dress on the way and i felt so out of place but he seemed to like it. He pulled me close again.
By the light i could have ravaged him when i heard him say those words... But i behaved i don't want to give it all at once... i need to be sure that this is real and not just some boyish infatuation cause he can have me now.

It was so hard resisting the urge to throw myself at him, to forget everything and just loose myself in him.
He said he wants me.. ME of all the women he has been with and can have with a way of his hand, he has chosen ME!

I haven't gotten much sleep been laying beside him and just watching. He looked so peaceful and innocent as he was laying by my side in the tent... Good thing i brought it...
I wanted to wake him so many times, to whisper my desire into his ears to be with him but not now... not yet. I promised myself after Jas that i would not be a fool twice.

I went for a swim to cool of as dawn broke, he was still sleeping when i slipped out.
I walked a little up the river... the water was so cold and refreshing that i got goosebumps all over.
I felt his eyes on me before i heard his slow steppes, he was trying to hide behind one of the the smaller trees on the hillside... a rogue he will never be i can give him that...

I could not help but to love feeling his wanting eyes run over my body, it made me feel beautiful desirable something i have not felt since i was discarded for another...
I played with him, letting the water run down my warm skin and through my hair making him think i had not noticed him. I teased him by letting my hands slowly caress my body as i washed myself.
I have never seen him blush but when i confronted him, invited him to join me in the water, his cheeks were like blood. It was so cute i could not help but to laugh as i am always the one blushing.

He stripped down so fast he almost fell over with eagerness.
The he came to me... he gently lifted me into his arms and held me close kissing my burning skin. I could feel the warmth of his body pressed against mine. I wanted him so badly and i could feel he was using all his restrain too. We just kissed for a long time deep and passionate. Then he throws me into the cold water again with a grin... Bastard... it was almost like being kids again, playing in the water.
I made me miss my family; Raina and Cora and of course Etainna.

We dried each other off and kissed goodby... cant help but to miss him a little already... I want more of him... always have...

I missed mass but sister Brihanna did not mind, she was just happy to see me really smile again she said i smile that touched my eyes and my soul.

Well now for some training.. need to be fit for fight keeping up with a man like him.


- The light guide me and keep me safe

At the beach near home

(At the beach near home)

It has been a busy day... but thank the goddess for that as my head has been working on overdrive since last night. I cant wait until tomorrow but i am scared senseless at the same time...

At dawn i went to the cathedral for morning mass. It was strange being there again but Sister Brihanna was trilled to see me and she want me to start my training again. It was so good to see her and not being judged just welcomed.

I went shopping after mass, good thing i had a good deal of gold stacked away. I have ordered a lot of new things but it will take some time to get it all.
I needed an extra horse to get much of the stuff home and i could really use some care right now as my muscles are killing me.
I need to start my combat training again...

I am really having a hard time concentrating on anything specific as his image, those eyes keep filling my mind. By the light i had almost forgotten how good one can feel when your in love and gives into it. I am still on my guard about getting hurt but i cant hold it back anymore.

I finished the dress... i am so unsure if i dear wear it or if i should save it for another day.

People make the worst of us,
yet they have not seen the love which is pulling us together.

*written on a piece of papir as she sits on the beach in the suns last rays*
 
Oh, I've fallen in too deep

A little too fast
There is no turning back now
Love is here to stay
Or so I think

Spoken from my heart sealed with my kiss
These words will describe our eternal bliss
And when I lay my head to sleep
You are the thoughts wondering in my head

When my eyes shut I see an image of you
Nothing can distract for you are my only view
I wish you were here, holding me so tight
Yet instead I will be dreaming of you tonight

I dream of the future that I hope we'll share
The laughs and cries we'll see in this love affair
I count down the minutes until I see you next
I just want to run away with you into the sunset

I've fallen in something that is magical and deep
A picture drawn inside my heart forever to keep
An essay written in words the describe this love
A prayer to the angels thanking them up above

I look into your eyes and I see forever right there
I feel it in your touch as you brush through my hair
And each time we kiss I feel the love deep down
You've changed my life and turned my world around

- the light guide my and keep me safe

Faith

(At home in Westfall)

After tonight i have decided not to sell the house anyway. He may have broken my heart but i will no longer let his memories break my spirit.

Tomorrow i think ill redo the whole place and get rid of all that reminds me of him...

It has been so long since i have prayed last, or been to the cathedral. Tomorrow i think i will go there as well maybe see if i can find sister Brihanna.
It feels as if all my faith in the world has returned and all the darkness that was festering inside of my soul has been burned away... burned away but that fire i feel when ever i look at him. That knot i get in my stomach.

His eyes so blue and intense but always with that spark of life, teasingly gleem.
What's is it with me and blue eyes?

I remember i thought him a brother, a dear friend in the start but no i fooled myself cause he is so much more to me.. he always has been!

Ohh the light burn my soul, that goodbye was hard, his body against mine, to kiss his tender soft his lips only for a second. It felt like an inferno and all my senses were screaming for more...
I remember thinking back in the beginning that I could just as easilly have lost my heart to him if he had not been such a ladies man, seems i did.
Have i just hit it away all this time? Because of the fear?
He told me once he could never be with one that would tie him down and i believed him i believe that still.
It made all so much easier back then as i liked them both but i knew so little about who they were. 
So when Jerry pulled away it was easy to follow the other path ... not needing to think more over what could have been... What can be now?

He has always been right there beside me, been nice to me, complimenting me, standing up for me... noticing me, even when the only one that should be noticing me did not...

I have hurt Jerry so much in the past yet he still stand by me as if nothing has ever happened.

Funny thing is that all the time i have been away, running. I cried over Jas but it was Jerry i missed? Was it just because he was the one to comfort me, be there for me... or was it more?

Why has this always been so hard and confusing when it should just be simple.

I should have never come between them...!
But if they were his friends, how could they say such cruel things behind his back, give him all the blame for my faulting, dismiss him for being a fool.
I have always felt that Jerry and i never truely belong amongst Starlight... though i love each and everyone of them but they were so quick to judge, so full of spite.

I remember up at light hopes chapel. He came as soon as i asked him to, holding me tightly, telling me that everything would get better and no matter what they said he would be there for me. 
I wanted to have him stay just to keep the darkness away, he made me calm down, but it would only mean more trouble as they would all think they had been together then... Yet he was the only one there... non of the others with all their good intentions and large words.

I don't know what to expect of our next meeting... does he even know what he touched inside her? I dont think so... He never thinks...

It was so hard to leave him like that knowing what he will probably do afterwards but she needed him to think over this... to meet her without the lust. It will be hard to stay at a distant and neutral to wait for what he says and does.

*a drop of blood is smeared on the page*
Dammit this dress needs to be finished... He will be my second... wonder if he even know how many he has been with. 
I feel the little voice in the back of my head warning me, that this will end badly, that i am opening myself to the darkness again... But i need to take the chance.. 

- The light guide me and keep my soul forever safe

On the run again

She ran, not like before with Jas... She was not running away only running from her confusion... Her emotions.
Jerrys kisses were burning her skin but the desire for him was raging like a wildfire inside of her. After she had run a couple of streets away, she hid at a corner, pressing her back against the cold stone wall. Her heart was pounding and she was panting low in frustration.
She wanted him with every fiber of her body, she wanted so badly to give in to her desire... But how could she ever be so selfish... She knew he cared for her and she could never break him, make him be what she wanted... What she needed... If only she could be enough for him... But he was like the wild stallion running free and untamed... How could she deny him that... She could not, she loved him to much...
Had she really told him? It all felt like a dream... Telling him everything she felt inside...
She was still hurting over the wound Jas had given her.
Ohh to just give in, like he had suggested... The mere thought send shivers down her spine and made her hot all over.
Why did she have to be so loyal and committed when all she wanted was to give in...