Scrowls of compfort and souls from dark pages

Etaine sits with the scowl in her hand smiling to herself as she reads it again, every word of caring, the red lipstick slightly smeared in one corner and the small paw prints on the back.
She so wished she could see them all again but she knew that even though a lot had been turned to the better theses last few days with the help from Isance especially but also some of the words from Chit she was still not read to see them... Together. The wound was slowly healing and most thoughts of Jas was on how he had been kind and helping her, but it was not all. The darkness still flooded her mind from time to time where she would pull the blanket close around her and clutching the pillow to her face to drown out the crying and distraught screams of loss and pain. Her knuckles still bruised from ramming them into the cold stone wall or the trunk of a tree in her rage at the betrayal she felt at times.

She had come to Ferals, it had been a long run but she had needed it, Chits words still ringing in her ears... Was he to go back on that promise as well?

The little hatching had apparently felt like staying as it had follwed her on her run and was now laying wings spread wide on its back snoring.

She placed the scowl by her side and took up a couple of parchments and dipped the tip of the quill in the ink as she started to write with a fine steady hand on the first of the letters. She bit her lips as she ponder on how many of these she would actually be sending.


*a sleender dark form watches from a tree above with a malicious smirk. If only she was not just the fine traces of a twisted soul caught between the pages of a book. She knew she was not the only one this book held more souls that she would dare to count. But why she was out like this, she still did not figure but the dark whispers that had tormented and haunted her for so long had given her a chance to get a little part of her self back... A part she thought lost to the void... She would not fail... Her green eyes run over the girl and the hatchling before she pulled back into the shadows..

Griphon hatchlings and wise worgens

Sometimes these days it feels like i am seeing the world for the first time. All these things people keep telling me, making my head spin.

I would have it otherwise so finally she took the small bed. I can hear her light snorring funny how it holds a light snarl to it at times, wonder why that is.

The stone is hard under the blankets but i don't mind, i have learned to appreciate a good bed but i like the feel of the world around me as i run my fingers along the floor beside me. I have found out that if i close my eyes and focus i can feel if someone is walking nearby, well they need to be pretty close but still.

I have not seen the paladin today, think he is of to be in Stormwind, i know that look in his eyes but i cant quite but a finger on it.
Oh well...

The little guy has apparently decided that we are a good team as he doesn't want to leave my side crawling up onto my lap if I'm sitting down or biting at my ankle if i am not.
Maybe i should give him a name?
Wonder how Jack, Nell and Missy are doing, well Cora is probably spoiling them all if i know her.

So there is a good and a bad darkness, interesting? Well Imorgan helped Lumi and saved her life so is she of Elune just like Isance?
She asked me many questions but she also told me a lot.
Hard question about my further path but she is helping me take my mind of him...
I miss him badly still and sometimes i still wish it was all a dream but no he will never be more than a friend and i have accepted that now, he has always been kind and helpful even after all of this he comes to my aid in Eversong, he buys me the bags, makes that rose and gives me a map. He is a good...friend

Isance was not very happy about a lot of the things i told her but she doesn't understand. I was the one to ask for time a lone away from starlight but still she thinks it weird that i have not been contacted by any of them, that they had not sent someone to try and give my guidance in the darkness. I don't know if she is right or wrong, i think they are just respecting my wishes and besides most of them didn't know how to find me before i put up the note on the wall.
I miss them, but why would they even miss me? Jas said some had asked about me.

Isance is right, that there is only one who decides our fate, that we are responsible for every action we make.
I feel ashamed for some of the things i have done these last couple of months but i will do what i believe is right and ill just have to see where it takes me.

So do i wish for the shadows or not? It was scary when she told me the consequences if one gives in to them instead of wielding them. I do not want to fall like that that is for sure...

I need to get some sleep so i pull the pillow back against the wall resting my back against it, feeling the smooth surface and the light chill that clings to it.
The little guy is snoring loudly in my lap... I didn't know that gryphons could snore nor like to cuddle up on peoples laps.

All in due time

I let the burning desert sand run throug my fingers, a contrast to the cold stone at ny back. My skin is starting to tann slightly already and every breath feels like sandpapir. I am surely not use to the desert climate. I know that just as burning it is during the day just as freezing cold will it get at nights.

Why did he tell me i had failed? I mean, i did everything he asked and he tells me i failed?
He payed that wizard to open a portal and gave me that magical stone so i could get back in the blink of an eye, just by saying a word.
It felt like my stomach was turning when i stepped throug commin out just beside the magetower. I ran like whipped just to get away from there. Pulled my hood further down over my face, making me look like sonekind of cultist as i sneaked around the city afraid to run into any of them, afraid to get recognised.
what scared me the most was to pinn my scroll to the wall.
I was there for there for the entire time, as the large city bell rang i could not get the stone activedted fast enough and i ketp falling over the words and cursing myself for it.
Finally i was back in Tanaris, the hot dry desert air burning my lounges and the warm felt like beeing pushed head first into a brick wall but i was proud.

He was not!

He sighed deeply when i stod before him an announched my return.

I had done to well to fast he said. He placed his hand near my heart as he looked into my eyes telling me that u was not healing, i was just hiding the pain, scowlding me with my own teaching.

A wound takes a long time to heal, the greater the wound the longer it takes. He tells me that a wound left unattended and undressed will fester with darkness, that he cleaned my wound by i need to tend to it so it will not fester again.

Come on? What does he expect. I know this.
But what of the others? Where their wounds not that deep or why can they move on so quickly? Ibelin, Reike... Jas? Its only been a couple of weeks and all have been swepped under the rug like dirt.
Was our time together not wort more? Guess he had moved on before he even broke it off.
Or am i just a slow healer? Should i find someone elses arms? Is that what it takes to forget?

No time is the only thing that heals and i am beginning to understand what he is trying to show me.
Maybe they can all just jump to the next... Maybe it meant so little it was not a wound like mine but mearly a small cut, one to not even leave a scar.

So what is my next step? Just wait?
I miss almost all of them; Rabbit always trying to look after me and making me feel better, Irenyas wise words,
Stoen and Devvys talks at the bridge, Tahrina and Allys reasuring words, Ibelin beeing all fatherly with advice, heck even Tikal with his wild nature yet caring when he speaks.
I need to get to know the rest better,Milwin, Chit, Atarane, Sehlanna and Zarcon, Tuskhira, Nomine as well.
And the ones which names i do not know or remember.

But in time... All in due time...

Blissfully naive

Why did i call for him? Well he was the one to send the letter asking to see me. I know it . was just as friends. It hurt like fell having him see me like this. Made me think... A lot. I am glad he is happy but that bath really made me want more, if friends act like that then i can understand my long conserne about his friendship with her.
He bought me some different stuff to help my travels, the rose i am unsure what to make of? I mean, why not just a stone, why a rose? I will keep it close as the magic will help my travels a lot. I felt broken when i left, hid outside crying my eyes out. I decided to move away, the shadows seem to cling to me, i dont even know for how long i was out this time... I remember arguing and a dark cave, then i woke in his arms, the cold metal of that shining armor making my head hurt even more. My reflexes seems to be on edge as he softly pointed out that i did not need the dagger i was holding against his throut. I moved away not sure what to make of it all. He told me what had happened... He made me sound like some crazy person... Again making me think...
He wanted to help me. His logic seemed fair so i let him, its not like i feel the light myself anymore.
I surely regrettet that help, sure he did not enjoy the bite to the hand but he should have warned me. I have only felt such a pain once before and that was also by the hands of a paladin. It left me all drained, almost staggering through that blasted sand, a little walk, it felt like a life time... Why did Jas take the time to clean my fathers grave? Need to send him a letter to thank him or well just use the necklace. He said he would keep the ring. Well finally got to that goblin city. He told me to take his room and he would sit outside until i woke, just to make sure i kept safe. Why? Well maybe thats a silly question he is of the light after all... I was like that myself before.
I could not sleep, like always as of late but this was different , my head was full of thought about the ladt couple of months, Irenya was right and for the first time i can understand her words. Seems the light burned deeper than i first though, leaving me with a clear mind.
It is not like i do not hurt... That paladin just burnef some persepective into me, taking away the dark doubts... For now at least.

What have i done to myself... How did i ever get so blind and stopped listening to the light, if i had just percived the warnings non of us would have been hurt, but i guess all happens for a reason right or at least thats what the paladin tried to tell me.

I have a lot of wrongs to right but i am a thousand miles away from beeing anyway near as strong as to return... Maybe someday the wound has healed and the scar my only reminder?

Etaine falls asleep, the dark figure of a woman hisses from outside the city.
"Naive girl, you will still fall, they all do"

The Culling

I feel the cold stone under my body as i lay on the hardened once poliched surface. The wind ran howlingly through the ruins as if searching for me, but i had found myself a dry spot in a dark coner where it could not reach.

 

I breath in deeply, the scent of my suroundings filling my nostriel with every breath; the dust and mold around me, the old forest and the faint presence of something unnerving makes my nose wrinkle.

 

I pull the bedroll tighter around me trying to hold warm. Should i have started that fire? Was i getting to paranoid?

Maybe i could learn to use the same inner fire Jas had told me about?

 

Jas..!

 

The pain i had pushed back into the deepest part of my mind in an attemt to hide it away, trying to disconnect, to let it become nothing more than a weak pounding in the back of my mind.

Hidden away by the inner turmoil and huddled thoughts, drowned in the inner storm that kept threathening to rip me apart from the inside out till my guts lay sprayed over most of this bloody forest.

The pain hits like a sledgehammer, i can almost feel my teeth getting nocked loose.

I manage to hold the whimpering back as i bite hard on my lip until the nausiating tast of iron filled my mouth.

 

I need to pull myself together and meet him...

 

I crawl out from my bedroll another night without sleep it seems but i am getting use to it.

The icy wind ding into my soft flesh digging deep into my bones the second my body is no longer protected by the bedroll.

 

I start to pack my things together which dosent take long, not much to pack when you need to run with it as well.

I walk down to the small creek running just outside the ruin, the splash some water in my head to get the blood running.

The icy droplets chill my skin and cool me into the core like icy tallons gripping for my heart. My teeth start to chatter as i sit on my knees bend over the small creek. The reflection in the water catches my eyes and i hardly recognice the young girl i see starring back at me. Her large almondshaped blue eyes seem empty, the dark shadows running around them. She looks malnurished, the once golden hair hangs in dreads around her face, the sunken cheeks and her dry and cracked lips.

The clothes hands loosley on her looking like rags from the dirt and cuts.

I do not notice as i clenche my fists, my jaw tightens and i snarre coldly at the girl in the water as i brings my hands down into the reflection.

 

A moment later i sit feeling shamfully stupid as i feel the wind taking advantage of the wet clothes and the exposed pale skin. I look to the cuts and bruises sprayed all over my body.

 

Guess i need to find a city or something to get cleaned up and maybe a healer, as most of the cuts are shallow it should not be difficult to heal.

 

I go back to the ruins and pulls what little i have onto my back and starts to run further north. The running comes so easy to me now, i run like a deer between the trees almost without sound.

 

 

A dark figure follows her like her shadow always watching... waiting...

The temptation

Etaine moves through the ruin she found as shelter from the raine, she comes to sit by the small fire she has made. She rests her chin on her knees and watches the smoldering whit embers, letting her mind drift away.

A slender womans figure come to stand oppersite of her, keepin in the shadows with her cloack tight around her form, her long yet black hair hangs around a subtle face with her green eyes set deep holding an inner turmoil at bay. She regards Etaine with great distast... Is it because all this reminds her of her own path? Long before the embrace... Long before him... She had let Ashana take away her pain... But what was she now?
The women snares at herself for falling idle to her own memories.

Etain gets startled by the noise and reaches for her knife but as she sees the woman she just sighs deeply and defeatedly.
Then the voices start again, were they the woman speaking or someone else, Etaine was not sure... She tried to pay no attention to them but they are starting to get to her slow but steady pulling down her defences. Etaine wrappes her arms around her kneesain an attemt to keep herself together. She needed to stay strong... But for who? Why? The voices taunts her. Etaine holds the letter that came to her, tightly in her one hand.
She was glad about some of the content but hurt by some of the other.
Should she use the necklace? The voices taunting her more.
Could she ever look into those icy blue eyes again? She let her fingers run over the necklace she held so dear.

The woman spats and her voice is like pure malice as she barks at Etaine... Weakness! You know he has moved on... You have felt it... Seen it... Do not fall pray... Why should you hurt when he so clearly does not...

Etains eyes flair with rage as she looks up at the woman... He does, that i have felt to. Her voice is drain comeparede to the womans.

The woman snorts... A fleeting moment here and there, you are nothing more to him.
And he is better of, why you had nothing to offer, just a scared little child with no real power like him or fighting skilles like her... You are weak...
You could raise... Like i myself did once when i was weak before i embraced true power... Power that gave my life purpose.

Etaine peers seachingly at the woman. Her body trembles slightly. She needed someone... But who?

To give in or stay strong

Etaine sat hidden in the shadows of a large withered tree. She moved mostly during the night now and slept a few hours in the evening when Starlight when the world around her seemed most active.
The constant headach she had had the last couple of days, feeling like something wanted to pop her eyeballs right out of their sockets.
The darkhaired female with the scars came to her often now, never saying much only watching... And taunting.
She sat with the fine necklace between her fingers, letting them run over the moonstone, trailing along the polished edges.

Her pain was great as her tears trailed down her face leaving behind clean lines over her dirty face.
She could not help to wonder if he missed her at all, or if he had fully moved on. A small selfish part of her wished he hurt like she did, but no she wanted him to be happy, that had actually been her goal all along. She snorts, how badly she had failed at that part.
The balefull vaiel is stuch in her throat leaving her pain silent and her sobs unheared.
She needed to find a place to settle down for a while, get cleaned up, fix her clothes and maybe send Rabbit and Irenya a letter... Her few hours of sleep had been haunted by the two again... She knew that Jas forever held her heart and love... But Jerry, well he had always been so awair of her... She wanted him mearly to be there as a friend... But was it wise to have him close when she hurted like this? She did not want to end like them, they already had enough similarities with her and Ibelin, she dosent need to be a hypocrit as well because unlike others, she still knew without a shred of daubt that her words and actions had been true...
She shakes her head, she needed to stop lingering in those thought, it made her weak and unfocused... She needed non if she was to hunt in theses ghostly woods.
She unsheaded her dagger gripping it hard in her hand, she just hoped she would soon get better at this so she could get sonething decent to eat instead of things that wanted to eat herself...she moved silently into the night with a dark figure following her every move...

The darkness

She had been running all night, good thing the white lady had been so clear or she would not have been able to see anything. The blisters had popped and her skin started to harden. She did not get so tired in her legs anymore either, though the burn was deffinatly still there.

She ran like a chased dear, the constant feel of something trying to catch her, pull her down and suffercate her. She did not know where she was, though she had seen some lone elven like strucktures.

The constant pain in her soul... The battle in her mind between giving in and letting go or staying strong... But for what purpose... Why should she fight and not just give in... Irenya had told her that to many just gives in as it is the easiest... Yes it was... No more hurt, maybe she would just become a pawn for the shadows but at least the pain would be removed.
The light had given her everything just to rip it away and taunt her with it... A test some would say... Pftt she grits her teeth. If this is what the light pulls you through the to the nether with the light...

Her focus is gone from her running and she senot the ghostly figure to her side before she felt the freezing grasp of the undead fingers around her wrist jerking her to a stop and making her fall headfirst into the trunk of an old withered tree. She hoped the cracking sound was from the tree and not her head. She was disoriented and the tast of blood was in her mouth. She tried to get to her feet while pulling the dagger from her belt. She heared the echoing vail running through the woods sending shivers down her spine.
As the ghostly figure moved closer into her view she instingtivly tried to call upon the light, but nothing happened...
She was lost and knew that the spectral would now feel the tip of her knife...
She thought like crased trying despiratly to fend of the ghost but having no luck. The icy grasp reached for her neck. The cold feel running through her soul making her weak inside.
The darkness flooded her mind...

When she came to the ghost was no where to be seen. How was she still alive? Her dagger Laurs in the grass. Then her eyes caught a movement, the female form that had haunted her for the last couple of days.
She picked up her dagger holding it defensively before her.
The female figure laught a dark melodical laughter, her white teeth shining in the moonlight. She had long black hair that could be seen despite the hood covering most of her face. She wore a dark robe with a long cape around her slender shoulders.
Etaine shivered feeling cold to the bones. "Thank you" she whispered to the woman.
The womans laughter was cold and slightly manaching as she answered "i didnt do anything my sweet... It was all you"
Etaine swollowed hard feeling nausiated and the blood ran down her forhead dripped to the ground as she bent down throwing up what little she had in her stomach.
When she looked up wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, the woman was gone or had she been there in the first place? She shivered and sat down with her back against the teeetrunk wrapping her arms around her knees.
What had happened? Was she loosing it? Whimpers low as she burries her head against ger knees, the blood stauning her pants. She needed to run... Five min, she just needed five min to gether herself.

A visit

Etaine sits in the tent with her legs crossed over. She sleept a little, the bourbon helped... Still to strong for her.

Her inner turmoil and the mixed feelings from yesterday spinning around in her head making her all dizzy.

First the trip from outlands and back home... Spend a lot of coins to get that mage to open a portal. Made her think of Jas and the pain got stronger.

At home in westfall, it really didnt feel like home no more. She broke down on the bed, the faint smell of him still lingering in the sheets and blanket.
She cried for a long time before she finally pulled herself together.
She took a swim in the ocean to cool of and get a sence of self again.
She cleaned the house got Nell and Jack to her mothers house. She took the black stallion of her fathers instead. She had pulled on the clothes she had made for Reike as a peace offering, the hat would make it hard to recognice her.

She only came because of Irenyas pleed... Or did she need this just as much herself?
She left the letter for Jerome at the keg, before she turned on the stone with a beating heart and trembling hand. She went to the thunder falls before she heard Irenyas voice on the stone. Seemed no one else was on... Luckily.

Irenya came to talk with her, seeming very worried about her, offering potions to help her sleep and to tend to her feet but Irenya seemed to understand about the refusal and the need for the good pain.
Irenya didnt like the part about the voices... She thought it wise not to tell her of the woman images as well, no need to svare her or have her turn away. She liked Ieenya, she was always so impartial trying to help all. Even made her forget all the hurt for a while when she talked about Stoen and those magasines.

After Irenya left, the darkness and the voices returned like a sledgehammer, pressing at her mind. She thought that has Irenya not given her some of her strength and calmness she would have buckled down.

But Irenya was right... Running was good... She understood that part now...

She took the griphon rute when her feet gave up. She had a good handle on them.

Why did she come to lights hope?

She walked around aimlessly between the graves, the darkness whispering in her head making her not see Rabbit comming up behind her getting her all startled when she turned to almost stand face to face.
At first he didnt even recognice her until she pulled of the hat.

But the sight of him make her break down into tears again. He held her tightly, telling her everything would get better and no matter what they said he would be there for her.
She got annoyed with them all for saying such things, her rage making her burn...
She considered turning on her stone but luckily it was in her backpack.
How could they say such things allways so full of spite all of them so quick to judge...

She wanted to have him stay just to keep the darkness away, he made her calm down, but it would only mean more trouble as they would all think they had been together then, so he went off when the exchaustion took over... It was a short lived sleep and she soon woke with yet another scream of distress caught in her throut...

Be free

Etaine sits on a rockside looking at the portal, she knew that Shattrah laid somewhere on the other side, but also all the darkness of the burning legions. When Jas used his portals she had always felt safe, but this... She regards the dark swirling vortex. This was something else entirely... She bit her lip hard as she stumbled to her feet, she needed to go through... Her hand clenched the dagger so hard her knuckles turned to ivory as she moved slowly towards the giant gateway. The feel of magic was strong in the air, the crackling constant gurgling humm. as she stod at the base she felt the cold run down her spine as the deep whispers intencified. They were her closest companions at the moment. She closed her eyes clenched her other hand, she wanted to close her eyes but she knew she could not just stumble out with closed eyes on the other side.
She swallowed hard as she took the finally step into the black vortex.

In the darkness she was alone... A figure in the distance... Jas? She calls out, his icy blue eyes shine in the darkness before he turns his back on her, a low ringing thud as he drops something to the ground and is gone. The gem from the ring laying where he stod sparkles yet there is no light only darkness. He hears their laughters like haunting mockery. She breaks as the hot tears starts to run down her dirty face leaving traces on her cheeks. She should have no tears left yet still the run.
His gaze before he turned away. Piercing as they see through her eyes into her very core.
She feels numb inside, the pain melted into her beeing, stripped away her soul, leaving her empty and cold
The darkness threatens to devour her and she hears him call out her name... Finally will he come save her from the darkness. She cries out for him but gets only a mocking laughter. Her blood freeshes in her vains, she feels the waight of her loss pushing her down into the dirt suffocating her. The voice telling her that she had been living a lie every promise every touch meant for someone else. The voice taunts her leaving her frozen inside. She feels lost without his love to guide her
, he was her life, her life among the dead.
All this time how could she not see, she didn't want to see, kept herself blind in the dark, without thought, without voice, without soul.
She cries her sorrow into the darkness, into the dirt that is filling her longues. "don't let me die here, there must be something more... Save me from this nothingness inside".

The swirling sensation stops and she stands on the other side of the portal blinking feeling nausiated... The dark voice last words echoes in her mind... "Let him go... Give in... Be free..."

The noise of battle fills her ears, she remembers where she is and her eyes run over her suroundings as she crouched down ready to defend herself.

Asking for help?

Etaine woke the night had fallen over the swamp again, she must have passed out from exchaustiin cause she could not remember laying down.
She shivered with cold and came slowly to her feet. Her body screaming at
her to stop, she was not use to running like this.
She needed to find somewhere to post the letter to Nomine and what of the other, should she send that as well? She was not sure. Would he even come? She had not been a good friend... All caught up in Jas... She sighs painfully as she thinks of him.

She needed to forget, needed time to lichen the memories away, his icy blue eyes when he winked at her, his strong arms as he held her tight like he never wanted to let go... And his kisses so affectionatly or passionate
Would she ever be strong enough to face him again... Face them... Together...
The thought almost made her stomach turn had it not been empty already, not from repulstion but shere distress.

Her screams go unheard in the night as she reaches for someone no longer there Beaten and broken by the storm in her heart. The rain start to fall but she does not notice only remember the night outside darnassus, the temperature around her drop, she finally found her way to channel the cold.

She starts to run like ceased, the fluid from the blisters and her bloodied feet making it hard to not trip and fall... More cuts from thorns as she tries to keep running, the air in her lunges burn like fire... The land around her starts to change swamp gives way to rock, the damp air becomes hot... Then she sees the keep. The guards there look at her with disgust but let's her pass. She stumbles to the mailbox pulling her backpack of and finding the two letters. She looks unsure and only posts the one and the other comes back in her pack.
She cannot ask for help yet... She goes outside the keep again and moves of on staggering feet, she feels the guards talk bahind her about ceased people from the swap... Then she runs again...

Running

Etaine wakes suddely, her scream of pain echoing through the swamp.
The dream was so dark and alluring, the whispers of her love, of power to get him back... And all she needs to do is let go and give in... Open her mind to the darkness and all will be better.
The pain runs deep through her soul it is already so familiar to her but this is stronger. Then she realises that not all is her own. Her hand runs to the necklace she can not get herself to take off, his gift to her the one most precious.
Etaine looks around nervously, was Jas alright, the pain so strong... Did he need help, should she try to reach for him? He obviously still had his ring on. She whimpers in frustration her red rimmed eyes dark from exchaustion. Her torn clothes, the blisters on her feet and the cuts on her hands and arms from the running. The wound at her thigh from the crock, the fight had been a relive to her, the rage a welcome ally. She did not know she held such firocity neither did the crock before it layed dead at her feet. Good thing Jas had trained her, the knife he had given her was bloodied in her hand.

No she will not reach for him, he made the decission, besides Reike and the rest of starlight would come to his aid in a heartbeat.

She packs her few belongings before she moves on...
The blisters pop as she begins to run, but this is a good pain, something ti focus on...

All her cries and prayers to get him back will get her no where... He was never ment for her.
If she had stayed she would have fought for him... But she would in the end have lost and the outcome would have been the same.

All the broken promises, all the fake words...
No she needed this. To see them become a couple or just to know them seeking solice was more than she could bare to think about...

How long would she have to run?
She knows that he will soon move on... She never will...
You only have one love to give and she regrets nothing. He will forever be that person...
Death would so be a welcomed relif but that will pass...
The empty wound in her chest will heal but the scar will always remind her...
She will always be his but he was never hers.

"Please come back... Forgive my foolishness..." She falls to the ground, her low cries of agony runs through the swamp sounds like a wounded animal... "Come back I need you... I love you" The last is barely a whisper.

This will be a long run...

In the swamp of sorrowes

I would give up everything just to have him hold me again, say it was all a bad dream... But it was not a nightmare...
I felt it clear in my soul before i ran away, before i left it all befinde...
Will i ever be able to come back.

For a while it felt like home. I was naive i should know by now to trust my inner voice.
I trusted him, i belived in his words... But now they ring falsh in my heart as his actions spoke the truth... Sitting here alone...

I am not angry he broke it off, i knew it would come, i am just sad, that i keep hoping that he will come back.
When he said he would always be there for me, when he said he loved me more than anything else in this world, that he wanted me to some day be his wife and that nothing was worth living without me... I guess there was a time frame he forgot to mention...

It is silly of me to have fallen so hard we were only together for a couple of months.

I know i am not the first to cry over løst love and to feel the Schou of a brølende heart.

I can run to the end of the earth and still there is nowhere to hide from the pain ripping my soul apart.

I know i should just let him go, i told him i would... But i cant put the necklace away, i hold on like my life depended on it...

Tomorrow ill send the letter to Nomine... I hope he will understand why i needed to run...

Where to? I dont Even know where i am, just walking... Running until i almost pass out...

Each pain makes me stronger
Each betrayal makes me smarter
Every dissapointment makes me learn
Each experiance makes me wise

The darkness is like a warm blanket around me keeping me safe, the whispers so clear as they tell me to give in and the pain will go away...

Never... The pain is all i have... Now

Will he make the that special rose for another i wonder, has he already?
He said that that one kind was just for me... I hope that at least was one truth...

In the hills of Redridge

The camp is set up... I could not go home...
Right back to square one.

I left the stone and the necklace cause i need to be alone. Left a note to sister Brianna so she will not worry.

I will move further away tomorrow but where to, i do not know... Just away.

He told me i bring out the pure and good in him... And she the devilish.
That he wants me to tame him...
But i dont want to... I fell for his devilish charms and free spirit.

He loves us both and will not choose...
Why does this sound so familier. Though i never loved Jerome.

And again i was right, she was in love with him even before her and Ibelin broke, he told me. How dare she spat at me for beeing confused back then.
At least i was honest.

If i had not left i would have ended it... No more pain and hurt...
But i love him... And i need to think...
I know i need to set him free.
His words has changed, i dont even think he noticed.

Maybe i should just send Nomine that letter. Why did i Even packard it? Or write it in the first place? Did i know deep down that this was all a dream?

I dont know anymore... The darkness whispers words of compfort. I try to shut them out but they are in my head, reaching for my soul...
Maybe give in, find peace again. The promises of taking away my pain, making all better.

Moonglade... The whispers are almost shut out there?


- The ligh... Oh whats the point...

At the Cathedral at noon

I cant stand this much longer. The Cathedral jas always been a place of peace to me but now it is starting to feel like a prison were the bars are made from holy words and a bad conciense.

I miss him so badly it is starting to take its toll on my mind. Seeing him just befordre i pass out from exchaustion and brilfly before i need to go in the morning.
One week has almost passed and we only had a couple of .ours, a precious moment...

I am glad he has Reike though the darkess comes gloser. *sighs deeply*

We talked and held eachother close.

What is the point if this? To teach me suffering?
I need to sneak away only for moments.
My heart is crying out to a love that seems so fare away.


- The light give me strengthe to overcome this.

Sitting on the Cliff in Westfall in the moonlight

Looking back on today it is with mixed feelings.

In the morning i went to the Cathedral needed a change of books as well as a little talk with sister Brianna, she is pleased with the progress i do and surpriced that i manage most of it on my own, with just a few hr or excersise, stift and meditating a day. She said it would go faster if i was to come back to them, but i refused. I like doing this on my own, it feels right... for me.

I went to my favorit spot at noon just to sit and look out over the water Jas found me and i could easilly feel that i had not seen him for almost two days... Yes silly i know but i just cant help myself when he is near me.
I told him and he took me to those boats they are reparing, good thing they workers were off for the weekend.
It feels like it is slowly falling into placr between us. I can only pray it will continue like this but only time will tell.

I am progressing in my all three of my trainings, the fighting seems the hardest to me where the magic feels more... Natural... Still think it is because it is fire, the ice part will be a whole different matter i fear.

It is fun how Jas can seem so content with just sitting still with a couple of appels watching me train.
I must admite i like it as well as seeing him practice some of his spells.
He feels more at ease and i dont fear him running away nearly as much.
The magic comes to easy to him one is tricked to belive as one watches him as he handles magic so naturally but i know the limits of the body and the price that ones pays for channeling such power...

The evening turned to the neathers. I saw Ibelin talk to that West fellow, didnt want to draw any attention to myself. Tahrina came and West took of so i went to say hi, i finnally got around to thanking her for taking care of me after i healed Chit. Then a lot of people start showing up, even got a smile from Kalanthe to my surprice but maybe i was just surpriced because of all i have heard of her. Maybe i should try to talk to her someday soon, i think she likes chocolates so that could be an ice breaker perhaps. I ask Jas to come i just needed to relax a little with him so we walk from the bridge when suddenly Ibelin calls over the stone. That fell person or one or them has come to the bridge where we just were. We run back... Ibelin seems hurt so i try to get to him, but that creepy guy gets behind me backs me into a corner... I was trapped, for fell sake why did i not be more carefull? He releaces a wave of fire. Ohh the pain as i felt it puls over me, my skin bubbling and blistering, burning away like wax... It all got a little haze after that, i try to shield myself in the light, it helps and Ibelin dragges me away... Good think i had been resting ever since that training or else i would have been too drained. It took almost all my restored energy to heal the blistering and the burned off skin, and i needed to stop leaving them as large red burnmarks for now or i would have drained to much again and others might need my help. I actually think Jas teaching about the fire helped a little but to strengtgen my shield against it, to help me channel the pain so i could focus on both the shield and to heal it afterwards. It almost kept my hair intact and my clothes well not intact but not leaving me væld and naked at least but i couldnt keep it off my skin... Strange?
The by all the light they start biggerin after they have taken the man out. I mean come on... Cant they at least wait untill this is over and everyone safe.
I walked off my anger keeping me on my legs mostly. Jas comes after me to help and i dont have the strength to not take it.
Then the explosion. I stagger back, no one seems to hurt, an elf is fighting with that shadow woman but a warrior, paladin i think stumbles into the canal because of the exsplotion i think. I pleed Kal to help, she strips of and jumps in, some silly girl just standing there looking all dumb founded as a full armored woman falls into the canal, i would have jumped in myself if it had not surely get myself into trouble in my weekened state. I send Jas to help Kal. They can all seem so no reacting when it is not one of their own. But they get the woman dragged into a boat, and i get down there best as possible. She is still breathing so i take the time to find a dress in my bag for Kal, way to small for an elf but she manages. The woman seems to have a smaller wound to her side, thankfully not to much or i would not have had the strength. Jas gets us back up. Ally has come but i just pleed Jas to take me home dont have anymore to gi e and Kal said we could not help with that necromancer i think Kal called her. I tell them to go to the Cathedral if tvey need more as i cannot drain myself fully again like i did with Chit, that is not without dangers of its own. Jas pulls me into his arms and walks home, cant remember getting here so i must have dosed off.

Ohh i got one of those gnomish picture devices now i just need to learn how to use it properly without blowing myself up, getting trapped.inside it or worse...


- The light guide me and keep my soul forever safe

Sitting in the suns first rays as they fall over Silvermist Islands

Seems i still feel the effect of that training excersise, well it felt more like a regular fight.
I move out of the fight to the teint, Tikal just said they needed to get inside the camp not bloody take the tent, that was just Reike and Chits idear.
Tahrina sending a cone of cold over me to move me away, the chill struk me to the core like icepicks...
Shoot still need to find my notebook up there, forgot it as it all went to the nethers. That bird clawing at Chits face i was unsure how fare they were going een tries to point it out that blood was beeing drawn but it was soo chaotic.

Chit got shot well that is not the hardest to fix but the arrow had enough tranquiliser to put down a one of those Elekks o to mee a while to figure that one out as i helped Tikal and the searing cold from that spell it was all taking its toll on me got black spots starting to dance before my eyes as Tikel drew out the poison from her system as Jas got her warm i told him to use his body as he needed to save his strength, he was on the edge of collapsing himself.
We got her back and with enough strength to go tell that guy from the Oath off. I dont remember much after that only bits and pieces feeling left until Tahrina came. I need to thank her for that, think it would have been much worse if she had not warmed me a little.

Next thing i remember is waking in a bed with Jas standing watch beside me... In a tree. Seems we were taken to Darnassus to rest and rest i really needed it felt like my soul had been drained as well, a lesson hard learned i agree with Tikal not to go so close to the edge or i could have ended up in Chits place and that would have helped nobody. Strangely i feel some sence of belonging for the first time a sence of purpose.

I spend the whole next day resting there and as evening feel i went for a little walk, just outside the city. Jas came, that sweet silly fool had been in Dalaran just to get me a cupcake, didnt have the heart to tell him i dont care that much for cupcakes, to sweet with the frosting and all.
We talked for a long time, sitting in the raine. We went home, i was still feeling drained but his deep passion gave me back some of my strength.

When i felt gully rested i went to put flowers on dads grave like i so often do and i turn around to find a man standing and watching me, started playing with my head putting dark thought in there with his words. I was shocked when Jas came and told me it was that Garett West guy that Nomine warned us about, strangely enough he seemed somewhat genuine not evil like i had pictured.

After he has left i ask Jas to go train, i just need to get some things from home.
When we meet up later i can see something is wrong and seems Reike is sleeping with West. Jas was all worked up about it, telling me he was affraid to loose another friend, that he had been scared to death ad he saw me with West. Well at least that is fair but not sure how to take the part with him beeing angry that Reike is sleeping with West, would he ferl the same if it had been another i wonder? But i told him he needed to trust in his friend Reike May be hurt but she is a big girl and as fare as i have seen more than capable of taking care of herself. I told him that it was not that different from Nomine beeing with that Morrigan person. Told him he needed to have fair in his friend or he could end up loosing her because he didnt, that he just needs to be there if she needs him not judging her just beeing a friend. I think he saw my point.

He toll me to the Exsodar, was there with Milwin on my first interview, but this was unbelivable, the Naruu beeings of pure light and energy, i felt so humble in the presence of that beeing.
We went to a small island afterwerds to train, i were to get to this flag he put up. I did but i could never use that tactic on anyone. He told me that i should just have placed a knee in his groin to get past him. I thought it so thats a start right? No need to actually do it.

The training in magic left me feeling weak and drained again but i did it well it was a spark at least barely a flame. At first it seemed so hard then he told me to look at it as i do the light and to think of something to make me feel warm not hard when whispers those words to me five little words settimg my soul on fire. I know how silly and childish it is but i cant help it. The cold will be much more difficult going to take a long time i fear, well not fear as i enjoy træning just the two of us.

He is still asleep good thing i brought that blanket to sleep on, after our swim and our passion i had no more strength left in me cuddeling up in his arms i must have falken asleep instantly.

-The light guide us and keep our souls forever safe.

In the forest of Moonglade

Irenya was right, this truely is a magical and tranqill place. I am glad i got Jas to take me back here.
He didnt seem to willing to leave me to go to his studies but we can not stay in each others arms all the time though i would love to.

I was afraid it would all go bad again, he almost lost control. I hope i can keep calming him down when needed cause i pitty the one becomming the rather of his rage if he looses control.

There has been so much i cant blaim him. Maybe i should talk to Nomine about it see what can be done, and i dont mean about Jas i mean in Starlight all are starting to feel what i have senced for so long.
Ibelin was right about one thing at the bridge, the unity in starlight is faultering and people way be there for each other but no more as a family only out of duty...

The night here was extrodinary so wild yet filling me with an inner peace i have not felt in a long time.
Jas seemed to sleep deep and soundly with no nightmares to haunt him.

Why does time move so slow, why does everything need to be according to their rules or one will be looked ill upon. I know what i want... Indeed patience has never been one of my fyringer virtues.

I think it was a good idear for me to spend the day here as part of my studies.


- The light guide our steps and keep our souls forever safe.

On the cliff, standing in the suns first rays as the fall over Westfall

I feel so lost at times...
How will this all go, do i even dare to find out?

I couldnt even do one simple job; watch Stoen till the others come back
But i fleed, tose words from someone who has not even taken the time to talk with me, the judging... I didnt not see it come from there, i was caught off guard so i ran, seems to be a thing in Starlight or is it in life in general?

Maybe i should find Irenya our trip to Moonglade, she seemed to actually listen and understand...
I didnt even get to see it when we got there, she spend so long getting me there and i didnt get to see it.
Well i need to change that.

Reike... her venomish glare at me... No i cant even go there
those mixed feelings simply pains to much, i just need to put them away i cant sort that one out myself. But i feel it like a festering boyl inside me.

They got Lumi back... now i fear for Imorgans life... What will happen next i wonder.

But beeing with him, makes it all go away. I know i should spend more time with the others that to only be with him does not get me anywhere on that front. But there has just been so much, so much hurt and pain...

When we are together alone it is all as it should be, but when he leaves all the world seems to go to the neathers always something happening to either him or me or...

I was surpriced how easy he took me seeing Selas, well not that he has anything to fear but well seeing as i have it with Reike.
That poor girl beaten up in her own home, i hope Selas finds her and brings her to justice.
It was nice to see him doing what he did for her, he is a caring and nice man and his love for whom ever she is is flawless a devotion one can only envy but then i remeber that other part of him and well it seems that all relationships have their cracks.

I know Jas only says those words because i love to hear them but i so much hope for them to one day come true... It is silly... we have only know each other for such a short time and it has been ups and downs to say the least.
Though i see his point about tat not beeing a bad thing actually because of the motives behind.

I know in my heart that he is the one i love and i will not leave him unless he throws me away...
Like he said... I too am glad that things turned out like this and not the other way...

But one day at i time... I may feel lost at times but the joy i feel inside because of him makes the world shine that much brighter keeping the darkness away.


- The light guide our steeps and keep our souls forever safe.

At home in Westfall

I cannot sleep... Just lay here watching him... His sleep is so restless so disturbing...
He hurts... Reike, me and now Hira...
I am afraid he will break soon, run away or do something more stupid to be free.. He feels it is all his fault, that he can do nothing right...
I will loose him it is only a matter of time...

I did it again... it let myself anger... i should not have
But to know how they hurt him... But i am no better...

He says he wants it all to be simple for the two of us to be happy, to have his friends back...
That will never happen... It is never that easy...

Well all i can do is try to show him happiness and love until he runs away for i know he will do something like that, he will never want me or Reike or Hira hurt and this conflict where he is in the middle he is drowning.

Maybe i should give him the necklace back and tell him that he needs not tell me anything and i will not ask?
I do trust him after all...

I hope we will be able to talk tomorrow. I did not even dare to get to close... yet i miss him.

Will i ever get him back or is he already lost to me.

What to do, how to help i am so lost... my world is crumbling so his must must be shattered... Maybe i should talk more witj Irenya she seemed to understand somewhat..?


- The light guide his steeps and keep his soul forever safe.

On my way home from Stormwind

Seems i have not had the need to pray in these last couple of days... Is that a good or a bad thing i wonder?

Why are our nights aftr a fight so intense and passionet it can leave me all breathles.
We havent really talked more, i let is pass i dont want to fight and argue all the time, we should be years from that...

I just want to enjoy him... for as long as i can.

The trip to Nagrand seemed to be a succes, at least i think he liked it.
Though that silly fool stayed awake all night because he was afraid i might get cold, tried to say it was because the nights in Nagrand could get pretty cold but i think he was afraid of himself.

I need to find a way to help him with that.

The meeting was moved to Shattrah and it was a fair meeting but it sometimes feels like starlight is breaking apart most are at each others throats, they dont like each others and mumles behind each others backs.

I havent seen Milwin in a long time so i am glad i have Jas to talk with this about. He will be a great pathfinder i think, though he is not good at diplomacy and people he dosnt like, what would happen if he got one such as Tahrina i wonder.
Why does so many of them seem to take distance from them, they have always treated me with kindness, but then again i am not excatly well looked upon myself.

I decided to go home after the meeting, told Jas i needed to prepare for tomorrows service well it was partly true.
It wll give him some time to talk with her without feeling guilty...

I just need to find something to keep myself occupied with so my mind dosent wander, maybe i should put the stone away? Will that help or make it worse?
Hmm i wonder if he will tell me if he goes to see her or forget again...
Well i have done what i can now to give him space and i will take of the necklace and the stone to try and forget it all for now.

Hmm might need to say i need the peace for my studies or something or he will get hurt.

I need to calm the inner storm when i get home, but with what? The darkness seem to whisper to me when he is gone, filling my minde with those dreaded images making me faulter in my trust, make me doubt...
This is the lights way of testing my resolve and only one thing can shake it... Him...
When he holds back, tries to spare me, when he just forgets that is when my faith seems to faulter and the dark whispers seems most true.


- The light guide my steeps and keep my soul forever safe.

At home in Westfall

It seems that we are getting no where. We are either on fire or it is ice between us...
Are we trying to fight a fight we are not suppose to be fighting... Together?

Home... He actually called this home, not my place or anything.

I stayed in Shattrah and well when Stoen was alright and nothing i could do, i went to find a place to take Jas to have him a little to myself after all this. I had heard so much of Nagrand and indeed it was almost a paradise, even managed to find the only appeltree on the whole continent. I bought that groog he said he liked and all, at for what... Left to myself... again.

I am starting to belive that i am selfish... I need to pull back, give him air and time to be with Reike... to prove that i am really not trying to come between them, it just hurt to come second to one i know is in love with him...

I couldnt look at the fight, i think i got some fine notes but i needed to go... I went home hoping that he would not be to beaten up when he returned... well he didnt return at all... Went riding scorched my shoulder so needed to change no need to get him worried... not that that was anything for me to worry about.

I should not have made that comment but well did he even care.. seems i was just annoying him or them.

Argh i hate this.. this is not the person i am, i understand she needs someone and that it has been hard and all and compaired to what they have been through i just need to shut up.

Why have i even started to drink when i get like this Ibelin is right it really dosent help... well at the time it does. He made me run off i couldnt talk about it more.

How by the neather did he find me, i didnt even have the stone or the necklace on. I need this to stop.. I need us not to hurt anymore, even if it means letting him go.
He told me about the nightmares well not anything else than he has them, well not that i didnt know, my dreams have been filled with ice and cold... and lonelyness and when i wake with the scream in stuck in my throuth he is like ice beside me, the frost and numb feeling tingling on the hand i had placed on his chest.

The worst part is i dont want to seperate him from her... or any of his friends because i DO trust him... it is the constent feel of beeing forgot. Why did he not just tell me why it took so long then all these images in my head could have been put away.

This time we need to find out what we truely want because we cant keep this up, we are both hurting to much...


- The light guide our steeps and keep our souls forever safe.

On the cliff, standing in the suns first rays as the fall over Westfall

Another perfect night in his arms... Those word he kept teasing me with sends shivers down my spine in anticipation and i can only pray to all the light that it will one day be true. For the first time i do not care about it all, and i just wish to belive his words and gode my nightmares away deep deep down in those dark corners of my soul.
I need to belive or it will rip me apart.
Well easy to say know, i am not sure how easy it will be next time he goes to her...

How could they be so cruel to Rabbit, he is just as much a part of it all as me... Well maybe thats the problem i would have been just as big a liability as i know Even less about it than he does... But is the will to do right... To want to help not the most importaint? I guess they dont think so... I fear that Rabbit and i do not truely belong and if they Are that harse how can one learn?

No i dont want to worry today... Maybe i can get him to stat with me for the day, Maybe go launge at the island...?


- The light guide my steeps and keep my soul forever safe.

At home in Westfall

I cant take my eyes of him as he is laying there sleeping. The sound of his calm breath and the strong beating of his heart.

I am so afraid to loose him...
And finding out that i was right, that she does love him just like i said. The scowlding i got from both for implaying it and there it is... well it could be a lie but i cant see the prudence in that.
He will go talk to her and find out if it truth or if its a lie. Wonder if she can be honest with him?

I was so glad to hear his voice over the stone, but it hurt slightly that is was a random comment for all.
I was maybe just hoping that i would be the first he thought of when the ring was active again. But well i am just a silly girl and he had more importaint things to think of... I guess.
I have not been on any adventures like that so i dont know how one feels.

It made me a little reserved. But i was so relived and glad to see him. I really just wanted to throw myself into his arms... Why do i always get in the way of just beeing glad... an showing him how i truely feel.
The feel of never wanting to to let go when we are in each others arms, how his icy blue eyes makes my soul burn and how my love for him seems  to large for my body to hold.

I am so afraid that i will lose him to her... maybe she will not do anything directly but her words against me and well i have always felt that Jas is lying to himself about his feeling for her just as she apprently has been doing about her feeling for him.

Please by the light show me i am wrong... Though all i want is for him to be happy even if that will not be with me, his happiness means more to me than my own.


- The light guide our steps and keep our souls forever safe.

Sitting in the suns first rays as it raises over Westfall

I could not stay at the Cathrdral for long, i feel so imprisonned there. What does that mean? Am i no longer fit to become a priestess?
I had a long talk with Sister Brianna and she said that she feels my studies work well for me and that i keep improving, that i am a natural healer when my emotions do not cloud my abilities.

I was sitting on one of the stonebenches at the foot of the cathedral stairs when all of a sudden Selascius stod there with a warm and caring smile. I was o the edge again becomming all jittery.
He told me he had taken Nell to the guards stables and that he was only here to make sure everything was alright. I could not refuse his kindness. He sat down asked me me honest concerne about my leg, he even brought me a bouque of wildflowers all whites, golden and reds. He told me there was noting in the flowers it was just for a friend that needed something to look at instead of the Cathedral walls.
We started to talk about Jas as he clearly sensed my distress over everything that has happen between us and the longing to have him back.
Wow maybe i should hire his as a consulent bcause he is surprisingly deep and his questions and suggestions have really gotten me thinking, and i actually think that that suggest to remove my concern and feeling about beeing forgotten when there are others. I think i will talk to Jas about that... well if he will stay long enough to listen to me.
Selascius said he needed to have a talk with Jas to sort all of this out as it seems that reike has made more harm than damage and well seeing as he will not really belive my words. I told how i thought Jas would react to beeing confronted by him, but he just laughed it away and said that they would both be find.
Some noble came to talk with the guards about some episode in the city last night, sounded to me like those embrace that the others have mentioned or are there just so many shadowcasters around?
I will be going home tonight as it seems the city is not a more safe place for me to be anyways. And at home i feel him a little closer.

Well after my studies i wanted to go past the bridge to see if any would be there but it was empty so a sat and rested my leg on the edge when i hear the rush of large wings and turn to ind Tikal just befor he pushes me in i hear a sly squick.
I scowled him about my leg when i finally got up and he was sorry and wanted to help with his own healing powers that realy helped and after that it was only slightly sore, though i am still to keep waight off it for a day or two more.
Karina came and they were talking about their children...
Ibelin came as well and the two of them went off to talk. Tikal told me about Ibelins formers reltionships and how Tikal had been forced to kill one of them, one who was pregnant with Ibelins child. I still told Tikal that Ibelin has come back this time, he fights for them this time and one needs to hold hope in love.
He ended up agreeing with me more or less. Then he asked abut Jas and we start this whole love and immortality debat, really deep for that time of the day and we end up talking about the druids dream world.

It was very interesting but i was becomming really tired and i think Tikal noticed to we said our good nights and i went home and snugged into bed in front of the fire, Missy and Jack i had taken in and they seemed to enjoy that. Jas was right they make it slightly more bearing. The sheets still holds his scent and i cuddled up in the large blanket.

I just hope they will all be safe up there...

- The light guide his steps and keep his soul forever safe and bring him back to me safely.

In the sleeping chambers of the Cathedral

Sister Brianna let me sleep her for the night... Why does everything get messed up as soon as he is gone? I feel powerless against it. Ibelins question ringing in my ears "You don't?" when we were talking about how others seem to view me. And well yes i fell as much as Reike that i don't deserve him, that he should be spared from yet another of what in most peoples eyes are all my own doings.

He will never forgive me... Reike will hunt me down and cut out my heart for this... but what should i have done? Ignored Tahrinas plea for help all because Jas dosen't trust my judgement?
I know Sehlanna will stand by my side with this... and well it felt like Ibelin understood my actions as well.

I made him stay with me the last night before he went away i could't let him leave...
Was nice to have Rabbit come visit and he seemed to like the place. Jas was in a bad mood though, he said its because he didn't want to leave me but it feels like there is more something he is not telling me... but what?

We went to see the tournament, but i dint really care for it and nor did Jas so he took me back to the city. We meet Sehlanna and Zarcon by the pond. Their feelings and love is so inspiring. I could only dream that Jas and i would find such peach in each other one day.

Then it all went south... Again
Tuskhira came with the cute little pup Totem. Jas had told me how much Totem meant to him and i was glad to see the joy in his eyes as they played but something just broke at the sight i am not even sure what and i needed to go... i could stand to be there all of a sudden, i think it was all he had told me about him and Hira about Draenei.
I went to get something to drink as an excuse... at first at least.
When i came back Hira ran past me not even caring to stop or anything. When i got down there it seemed that Jerry had once again come to my rescue saying out loud what i keep hiding in my heart.
I don't know why Hira should get so mad at that comment? Unless there is still feelings there and she would not discuss it over the stone either.
Jas didn't understand it... i am sometimes not sure he is capable of perceiving how much his actions hurt me at times.
I will never have him stay away from anyone but it hurts to be forgotten when other more... interesting things... are around.
We talked a little and he ended up leaving me to go to Hira... Just like with Reike i will always be the one left behind when they hurt or are angry or what else can be wrong.
I know this is who he is and therefor i try to push the hurt and frustration away.
I am so afraid to become what they call me behind my back... One that controls him and ties him up...

I went to have a look around on the other side of the pond, at the outskirts back there... Strange there was this stone alter back there whit smoke and all. Why does the guards permit that?
Well they both came running...i am not even sure why...i said i was fine...

We tried to talk but Jas got angry and took of with Rabbit right at his heels trying to fix it all.

Maybe i shoulden't have said the comment about us turning into Reike and Ibelin.

I walked after them... not like i could stay out there at that alter all night anyway.
When i came to the upper pond he was sitting by the tree.. Rabbit begged me to talk to him... And that little... Well Hira was there all wanting to help... I shoulden't have snared at her... I was just so angry...

I went to talk to him... it keeps getting harder and harder as he fall more into it all being his fault and being a bad person.
He is not and i have told him a million times or more already.

Ibelin came and the three of us talked about him and Reike, he had Reikes shirt... what is up with walking around Stormwind sniffing to her shirt. He really is lost i take it because that is just odd behavior if you ask me.
We talked about poems and Jas recited the most beautiful poem. How can that be the same man that flirts with every female around without even knowing. In some ways he can be just as bad as Rabbit the big difference is i have not seen Jas take it further. maybe i should find Karina and ask her what she meant at the last gathering but do i even want to know?

We spend the night together it was not as intense as it usually is but more tender and caring. We both felt the weight of him leaving but non of us said anything we just held each other close.

Our good by was brief to not prolog the pain. The thought of the ring helps me stay calm. When i went for my studies.
I felt at peace at evening mass until Sehlanna spoke over the stone her concern about Zarcon set me all ablaze inside. I tried to calm myself but i could not reach him... No answer came.
I meet with Sehlanna at the bridge at least i have someone to share my concerns with.

Then Selascius showed up... And i knew this would all end badly... Again
I begged Sehlanna not to leave me alone with him. When we talked and he wanted to take my hand out of concern i moved away like a scared little child hiding behind her mothers skirts. I could see the confusion in his eyes.
The Tahrina cries out over the stone. We need to go help her, but there is only Sehlanna and myself and non of us are fighters. Selascius offers his help and Sehlanna takes it willingly.
And that is when all the trouble starts...

First of all i am the only one with a horse and it cannot carry three, Sehlanna says for me to take Selascius along and she will follow as fast as she can. I told her all over the stone about how Jas would never forgive me and she reassured me that the cause was greater so we rode ahead. I could feel his heated body against my back, his heart racing with excitement of it all yet there was nothing i could do to get away from him.
I focused all my thought on the task at hand and it seemed to work.

Second Sehlanna strains her foot and cannot follow but tells me to go on and help Tahrina.
I guess that will be the dagger through my heart.
We found where Tahrina had told us she was but it was so steep, i tied Nell to a tree and started to clime up... but all the rain, the mud and the slippery rock and my dress not making it any easier. My focus being on my inner turmoil than on what i was doing. I slipped and feel, i almost gagged as i hear the horrible snap of bone.
Selascius ran to me and suddenly Ibelin was there... like a savior. Praise the light i needed one to be there and he was. Selascius looked at my leg and it was clearly broken right above the ankle, the bone had not pierched the skin luckly, he placed a skin on my leg and bound it tightly. It made me almost pass out.
Ibelin got his bike but i was so dizzy i could not focus because of the pain, the potion Ibelin gave me helped against some of the pain slowly. But i did not get the fact that it was Not Ibelin that asked about where i lived.
I thought he would drive me home and therefor he asked so i just answered.
He took me to the Cathedral to get help and he sat me down wanting to know every detail and i told him everything, it reminds me of when i had done something wrong and father would have a... talk... with me.
I had no reason not to, i have nothing to hide. And then when he said "And now he knows where you live" it struck me, it had been Selascius not Ibelin asking.

I need to stay in the city and Sister Brianna has given me permission to stay at the Cathedral, but still there is Jack and Nell and Missy, they needs me. So i need to go home at some point.
Will he be there? Has he brought Nell home?

Laying here in the dark listening to the sisters snore i feel so alone.
Maybe that shirt thing wasen't such a bad idea after all, i would have loved to be able to have had the same opportunity as i lay here and missing him so badly.

Please love come home to me soon, forgive my faults as i forgive yours.

Maybe i will get lucky and he will write me a letter as Reike had done Ibelin. At least that soothed me because that means that they are still safe. But why does he not answer me?
I am thinking of writing him a letter and have Ibelin sent it along with his own yet does he not feel the need to let me know about the ring? Or has he not tried to use it himself?
I will wait one more day then i will see...


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever safe.

Outside the house in Westfall

Hmm was not easy to make up something to get away without hurting his feelings but i needed to be alone for a little while. Jst to clear my thoughts.

Last evening i went to the meeting early and when Jas came he was angry because he had gotten in some kind of fight with Reike, her calling him a love sick puppy only doing what i tell him too...
I cant belive her... does she not remember how it was to be in love...
Her words are poison and all seem to belive her sharp tongue
all seem to find me as a little tramp and i guess most would like to see me gone.

I had not seen starlight as been people who just takes one persons word and well maybe i should just leave them... I am off no use to them anyway, i cannot tribute to anything and well as Nomine and Chit said at the meeting Starlight comes first above all else.
I would never be able to do that i fear and frankly i see them slightly ignorant and fullhearted for believing in that... I would lay down my life for every last one of them, but i would go to the ends of the great darkness and back if it was Jas. All would just like Reike told me about Nomine and that Morrigan woman.

And then Jerry goes and turns Jas into a rabbit.. fool he is at times, not that i think he meant any harm but well still he should know Jas better than to pull a prank like that on him.
But it seems i changed his mood afterwards.
That was so intense and well exciting, i dont see that beeing the last time.

We went to the bridge to talk and all of a sudden i feel the coldness off steel against my throuth. Jas called RIPA over the stone and Jerry came there in seconds and Reike was amazing... yet somewhat scary as she took the man full on, thought she would have killed him. So much anger in her so much pain i guess.

Bet he did not have me put two and two together they are going to that Kalanth assignment tomorrow yet funny thing that both Reike and Jas are leaving today...

I dont see this ever ending Jas cought between the two of us. I am just not sure how to handle this pull away or belive in the words that at one time seems so truthfull and deep yet moments later seems hollow and empty... I really belive he means the words when he says them... but...


- The light guide my steps and keep our souls forever safe.

At home in Westfall

We got the air cleared when he woke and he would even have my help with the hangovers as she wantet the punishment.
We talked back and forth for a long time and it just got us closer together.
We when to Stormwind as Jas needed to pick something up and i needed to get some new books for my studies.

When we meet up again he had a present for me well two actually a beautifl dress and the cutest rabbit; Jack. We went to a petshop in Dalaran to buy a leach for Jack. And well then the wierdest thing happens as Jerry has gotten himself turned into a rabbit how that happened i have no idear but we went to find him and Jas turned him back, we didnt really stick around to find out what had happened as i had promised Jas that date...
I took him to the little island and all was ready... it was perfect...
He really... really liked the dress i had made, the food as well...

And then all becomes more or less like a dream to me... The night was enchanting in every way... The ways he made me burn... It was like he was in my head...

I dont remember more before the sun woke me as it shined into the tent but i didnt want to wake up... Holding on just a little longer untill he woke as well.

We need to go back though i really didnt want to seemed like non of us wantet to return.


- The light guide my steps and keep our souls forever safe.

On the cliff home in Westfall

I cant sleep, been awake for hours now but every time he turns in his sleep i faint to be asleep. I know non of this is his fault and that he is just beeing a good friend and i would not want him to be anything else.
Then why do they silent words cut like a knife in my heart?

Did Ibelin even think about what he said that evening in Shattrah? But he is right, they all are, and that is why i could not just smile and comfort him.

That is why i am sitting here with the tears running down my face in the night, unable to escape it all into the solice of sleep.
This emotional rolecoster is starting to bit at my core.

Well i will hold on for as long as i can... or should i let him go? Would that make him more happy in the end?

Everything was planned for tomorrow and now again something comes in to ruin it...

I feel sorry for them both well actually most for Ibelin as Reike has Jas to stand by her side like her own personal guardian, never wanting a frown on her pretty face. But who does Ibelin have? Even though he was the one to break it, i refuse to belive he is not hurting just as badly.

Those words keeps ringing in my head every time he goes to her "they are perfect together..." And i know they both refuse it.. but i just hope i am the one this time to be proven wrong as i will prove Reike wrong about me.

Shall i stay out here or return to the bed? To him? It was the hardest thing to pull away from him, but i cannot hold him close with these thoughts in my heat... I have never been the jealous type so why now?

Did i purge my soul in vain?
So many questions so much uncertainty...

He said that the broken nose was an accident, that she fell and well... With her temper and his words to be her privat punching bag i doubt it, but i can nothing else than trust his words, what else do we have if not honesty...
If we do not have that in this broken world then we have nothing and we will fall into ruin...


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever
safe.

Watching the sunraise over the shores of Westfall

The necklace is so beautifull and the best part can not even be seen. I cannot belive he found a solution so fast and in between all that has happened in the last couple of days. Now it dosent seem so bad having him go away.
Well i must admit i am glad he had to go well not for myself but for him, having him focus on something else than me will be good for him. But one easily gets addicted it seems, gets expectations as the night has been so cold without him beside me. I use to love the night, the peace and tranquility of it all.

I had a lot of time to study and also meditate... it has been so long since i have felt the time to look into myself and relax, to feel the warmt of the light filling my soul. The roaring fire burning inside has calmed to a smoldering ember like it has always been.

I hope everything with Lumi is going in the right direction and i guess it must be for Nomine to still host the training for the new pathfinders. I wish there was something i could do to help out
more...

Well now i have made evertything ready for what i promised Jas and i got the item in time as well but i think i need to find some kind of work as it has drained nearly all the money i have been sawing those mages dont come cheap well the materials i wanted was not of the cheap sort but i just want it to be perfect. I just hope he will like it...

- The light guide my steps and keep our souls forever safe.

In jasdevis quarter in the mage tower

Ohh i could watch him sleep forever, lost in all that he is.
Even though the despair is all around he manages to make me forget all the bad things around us.. at least for a while.
It was magical, all the candles, the dinner and the the snow around us.
The stars so increadable bright on the night sky. And that reminds me that i promised him a date
as well but it was swollowed by all that has happened but i think i know excatly where and how now.. just need the when. I cant wait...

I spoke to Reike, finnay pulled myself together and confronted her as i cant stand to see Jas so distressed about our situation. I know and feel she still dosnet like me.. that beeing said lightly but well just to be able to be around me is better than nothing at least it will give Jas just a little more peace, and maybe someday she will put aside her negative look on all around her and see that all i want ih to keep Jas happy. I know that i do not deserve him, i agreed with her
on that part, but i will not throw away the chance he has given me becuase of it.


- The light guide my steps and keep our souls forever
safe.

Outside the Shattrathen Inn by the waterfalls in the pale morning light

Yesterday was a mess.
First the meting with rolling hips guy Selasius i think Ibelin called him.
What he did to me, was it just to awaken something slumbering inside me and amplifying it or did he press this upon me? I am not sure but i somehow believe that it was not to cause me harm after all i was the curious one.

I know he means well but did he haft to go tell it to them, why does everyone need to be messed up in what is so personal to me well to us i hope.
Maybe i should stop telling him every little thing that goes on in my head and happens on the streets but at what cost. Will that make us drift apart or will it help as he does not have to worry about me all the time.

I cannot deny that the time with him while under Selasius effect was mind blowing... Yet now i only feel dirty after what he he said afterwards.I should have held back. Should have waited, been proper and all, but i remember that day in the dwarven tavern like it was only minutes ago and how could i turn down those burning kisses setting my soul ablaze, how could i turn down those longing eyes as he looked into mine.

It is all of my own during and i don't know how to fix any of it...

And then the explosion about that beautiful dreanei Lumi they call her. I have never meet her but i know she is Stoens love.
All of starlight gathered to get her back. It was so impressive seeing them all, like slumbering titans of old waking to rid the world from evil.They would all have laid their lives to get her back. SO strong and powerful they all stood before the tower. And all i could do was follow behind even though i would give the same sacrifice as they for the unity that starlight has given me, taken me into. I was more in the way than of any help.
Should have stayed behind, making ready for their return instead. But i so want to help.
I need to study harder become more focused again...

He said that he would never leave my side... I wonder for how long...


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever safe.

Jasdevis quarter in the mage tower

By the light... My head... How can they do this more than once.
I think i need to stay in bed as long as possible today.

But what a night, well the meeting was kind of hmm uncomftable... Mostly a discussion between Nomine and Ibelin. I can understand Reikes hurt as i have felt it myself only a year past but i remember it like yeserday still.

I hope she will someday be able to actually stay in my presence as i feel how it hurts Jas or i need to stop beeing where she is to aviod unessecary conflicts. I dont know...

But well after the meeting Jas and Milwin got under each others skin, he has a fierce temper when he feels stepped on. So many strong emotions...

Well the fair was exciting all the colors, the music, the activities and the animals.Think i got slightly to much to drink and i am paying for that in full today.

Rabbit came, it pains me to see him so distant but i can only imagin what he must be feeling seeing Jas and i together like this. I so wanted to pull him close and hug him but i think Jas would have misunderstod.I wonder what i can do to make it better? I pains me that i have come between them like this... non of this was never my intent...

But Jas spoke the truth... last night and this morning will indeed be something i will not long forget.
His passion was so strong and wild. He made me burn in a way i would never imagine. Showling me feelings i have never felt before... It felt like me could not possible get anycloser without litterally melting togeter as one.
Guess Jas is gonna get scowlded again because i dont think we went unheard.

But back to sleep, there must be something against this damed headach...


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever safe.

In Jasdevis quarter in the mage tower

It was a nice evening last night. I went to the party to make Jas happy even though i know i was not really wanted there, But well Jas's happiness means more than anything to me. And after all it was a good evening. I hope they will use their gift but if Jas is right well then it seems we will have to use it ourselves - not that that notion bothers me but well it was a gift i intended them to have. The game i must have misunderstood though the symbolic in the items we found was still somewhat spot on i think. We went as soons as it was proper as Jas had gotten hurt by Reike nit liking the gift and proberly also because she had such a hard time with me there making him feel some guilt towards his friend and me.

We whent to give the orphanage the leftover cake and such and meet the stranges man... something was off about him but i cant quite put my finger on what.

Jas took me to his room again and this time i dont think anyone was in the dark about me beeing there. But what a night... I get short of breath just thinking about it. This time Jas brought me breakfast in bed... I can look into those icyblue eyes until the great beyond swallows the world and to run my hands over his firm muscular body so unlike the other mages i have meet and his sly smile holding all the mysterious and secrets in all of Azeroth. Hmm seems i am getting carried
away here...


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever
safe.

On the way to Westfall

This is so much harder than i could ever imagine... I cannot go through too many more times like this. Every time he has been talking with her her comes back with doubts but when i ask him directly he has non...
When we are together he seems happy but not before going through this long prosees of removing the doubt about everything.
This is not good for him, it pains him...
I would never ask him not to see Reike so maybe i need to talk with her? Light give me strength for such a meeting.
But as his freind she must see that this is killing him and well we are not all monsters that want to hurt every one around us, but we are humans and we make mistakes.
I have told Jas that i will use every breath in my body to make up for what i did, but it is not at all cost... I love him without a shred of doubt and at some point he needs to trust ib that... in us... or we have failed. Oh please light do not take him from me just because i was weak and confused...

It was hard seeing Rabbit again but he can still make me smile even through all this. I hate to see how much this pains him and when it finally started to looses up a little Jas gets angry because he thinks Rabbits is flirting with me right in front of him... Does he not know Rabbit, he is a mischief, flirting is his second nature and he plays like that with all around him even the men - in a non sexcual way of course but beeing all sly and silly.
Why is it so hard to think about him? I have put aside all other feelings because i am where i belong.
Maybe Rabbit was right and we need to keep a distance at least for a while? But the thought of not seeing him at all makes my stomach hurt.
Why is this so hard and confusing when it should just be simple.

I really hope he listens and stays away from that girl... find someone... better.

I still dread tomorrows event... but at least i think i came up with a nice present though it actually took some time convincing Jas to give them one.
Why is he so hurt about not beeing there when they got married? Sometimes i think that he holds more feelings for her than he will ever admit, not even to himself. And it is easy to lock feelings away and turn them into friendship when the other is spoken fore. Well maybe not easy but easier then.


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever safe.

In the new home

Ohh this has been an evening and night i will not soon forget and it is not even over yet.

Every part of my body aches from the starin and yet I cannot get enought of him.

I am sitting here in front of the fireplace, the golden shine running over his naked muscular body. How did i ever get so lucky. I know i do not diserve him but i will do all i can to prove her wrong.

Ohh and the dress he has made for me is so beautifull i cannot belive it. He made for me to wear at the party tomorrow, but i am still unsure if i should come this is for Reike and Ibelim and well it is not like Reike well be to happy to see me..us together.

No matter now, now i only want to enjoy this time with him.. my love
Our swim in the ocean, the countless hours our bodies have united during the night.
And this morning weaking up like that... Was i even alive before Jas?
It seems we have forgotten his studies for a day, as he is still here. He needs the rest to... by the gods we both do... But i think i will make some breakfast first. Good place i have found now that i know he loves appels and the a dip to cool of my heated body before i weake him.

We talked all night as well, well when we were not otherwise occupied so i have learned a lot about him, but still there is so much to know...

An Jerome... i really hope i will find time to see him tonight, talk with him as he is the victim as much as Jas. I hope that it can sort itself out and i hope that Jas listened to what i said and understood what i was trying to tell him.
They need to make up, Jas needs to forgive him... as he has forgiven me!


- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever safe.

In Jasdevis quarter in the mage tower

He has gone to his studies now.

I am sitting on his bed, no one knows i am here... I know this can get him in a lot of trouble, but i wanted to be close to him... I need him so much right now...

But if Reike manages to turn his head once more it will not go this way. How humiliating to stand there like a trial... All i said i had alsready the night before to Jas so what it was all for her?

I know she has her own troubles... maybe she should deal with them first. Jas is not a child. I know what i have done has hurt him but that does not give him the right... I almost went away from there, his eyes were the only thing keeping me.

Jerome was nice to me, tried to stand up for me, noticing... well that does not matter... I love Jas and i will bare this humiliation as a punishement for what i did...

But can i trust him to not behave like this again?

He needed her there... her support... and what about the Jerry and me? did he think we did not need someone to stand by us? that it did not hurt us?

Calm yourself Etaine

By the nethers it is only because i love him so that this hurt so badly.

But after she was gone, he came to me, he said that he too was sorry for this and that helped. I cannot stay mad at him when i am the one to blaime for his hurt.

All this has done that i have not had time to find a place for myself, but at least now i know i needs to be outside the city as i cannot breath here anymore.

I will go look for a place today if Jas can sneak me out, maybe with one of those portal things.

And i will go seek out Jerome to night, as Jas talks with Reike. I may not love him like I do with Jas but i still care greatly for him... I actually think i have hurt him the most, even though i know Jas will never be able to see that.

I had planned something special for night...need to go and cancel it... as he will be with her instead.

I can only hope that there will be tim efor it later... I pay that all this has not taken away his desire to show me how he feels... for me.

- The light guide my steps and keep my soul forever safe.