A new prayer

I haven't prayed like this in years yet tonight sitting here outside the house looking at the stars, Lilly asleep inside and Anya in my bed because she thought I was staying in the cathedral for the night, I need to speak my mind aloud...

I haven't really connected with anyone for so long.. Haven't really let anyone get close enough either so why him.. why now? Raiel.. He came out of the blue but he certainly left an impression...

It was just so nice that I forgot myself.. I let my guard down...

I just got carried away with myself.. my curiosity and the wanting to connect was stronger than I anticipated.

Will I see him again I wonder... Not that I will let him get any closer.. Or do I? I mean maybe a part of me does but he is no good... One like him is use to getting what he wants from who he wants I am sure of it and I should keep away from him.. I haven't felt the shadows whisper in so many years but tonight I felt them just like a brush of a feather against the back of my mind but they where there... Temptation... Alost like an old friend or lover welcoming me back....

No! I cannot see him again.. I cannot take that chance... I have Lilly to think of.

Anya has been a blessing to have in my life and help me with Lilly when I am at work but I need to be there for her I am her mother...

What would Jerry not think of me galivanting around like a teenager just become some boy.. a really sexy one... backs his eyes and calls me sweet things... A fool is what I am... And this was a very nice evening but no more of this folly... No Etta put that away and focus on your work and your life...

But by the light I haven't felt more alive in a long long time...

Forgetting the world

By the light I forgot how bad one can feel after a night of drinking... I must really be out of shape cause back in the circle I could easily drink with the white shirts... Well it has been almost one and a half years since I last tasted alcohol.

It was a mixed night indeed... How could he be SO rude? And most importantly why does it bother me so much?

I am so sorry that I left Stoen re-winterveil party  in the middle of it but I felt like the room was shrinking and I was being suffocated. I had to get out... Sitting back against the tree with my legs pulled to my chest and relaxing my head against my knees helped but I was terrified when I heard those cultists, or what they were, talking. I was sure that if they saw or heard me they would most surely end my life for what I heard...
Well I managed to sneak away and got a bottle of bourbon on the way back to socialize though I was in no mood for it...
Why have I become increasingly angry and easily annoyed over the last month or so?
Its the roller coaster all over again except this time there is no men to blame for my foul mood swings.

That fortune cookie I keep seeing the phrases in my mind "A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not why ships are built."... It is really all life is about right?
That is also why I have taken a chance with Thane cause I know it will end badly at some point... Just like the Jas and Jerry. Hey at least there is no J in his name and he has green eyes *chuckles to herself* I just want to feel that someone cares... And yes it is properly my own fault that I don't fell that already. I mean before last night.

I could have killed him for throwing that bottle away, why could he not just have let me drink?
I was angry and hurt and really really drunk...
But he did make me forget the world... forget all my troubles just like I asked of him...

What a night... So horrible and so blissfull...


- Light let me forget a little more

Bloody tree and breakfast in bed

What in Elunes name happened in Stormwind? I don't know Rey well and as my experience tells me, there is more to this.

I look at the bloody where he was focusing his anger and I feel the same anger boil in me... Have they not change one bit? Where is all the leniency they show when Tik being an ass, which in the past has been pretty frequent not to mention Reike no one was after her for how she treated others.

Years back they with Jas they were all jerks to him because of how he acted...  And Jerry...

What is worse shooting someone someone for saying a bad thing or saying a bad thing?

I am not trying to excuse people manners and yes Thane need to learn how to act around people again but they are so bias that it makes me sick... Jas wants me to closer with them but they are the ones that act so snobbish.
I don't know what I am doing in Starlight sometimes cause I have never really felt like one of them... Always an outsider.

I have never had a real conversation with Nomine, I am not a fighter or a tough guy so I am not interesting enough. I am not a good fighter or powerful in magic.
But I sat for a week by Lumis side, I drained myself way over my limits to help Chit. I would give my life for all of them and I am still nothing to them and I always will be I fear...

I cant believe Jas said like he did over the stone, how could he be so cold when I have defended him SO many times in the past when no one else would and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

*sighs deeply*

I sometimes just wished the darkness had taken me.. That voice whispering back when I was on the run.

To the nethers with all this, if they will be stubborn and pigheaded well then let them, maybe one of them will have the decency to actually talk with me or more appropriate talk to Thane instead of just judging.

Calm down Etta... Stop letting them ruin it for you...

Well I spend the entire evening tending to those wounds and it has made me realize how much I depend on my magic. I need to ask at the cathedral that they put me back on acolyte duties but I also need to train my stamina again. I cant believe that just closing those wounds made me sweat.
I have been neglecting my base training become to cocky in my own skills.

But last night was a turmoil still leaving my head spinning coming home to him covered in blood as he was hitting that tree, how long had he even been standing there? By the deepness of the cuts and the amount of splinters I would guess the better side of half an hour to an hour...
The anger was like an aura around him... Feeling SO betrayed by Rey... Is it because of me? That I took him away? Did I do something stupid again?

Well I got him cleaned up but the blood just wouldn't stop. I know how he feels about magic but cauterizing just seems so crazy when it only takes some of my energy to make it better... AND he let me! I cant believe he let me. It really showed me how much trust he already puts in me but why did my feelings bubble over like that?
Was he the focus of those feelings or was that Jas? I mean with my confusing the last month. It is good to get my focus straight... Of course Jas would have set me straight if it had come to that but the talk of not telling we were already on the wrong side and I am glad I did not become THAT person. Again I have Thane to thank for that cause I haven't heard anything from Haleth so I guess he thought me rude for leaving last time he came around.

Well now to finish breakfast while he is still sleeping; blueberry pancake with honey and freshly made apple juice from the orchard and some eggs and bacon cause guys tend to like that more and I don't know what he likes... yet.

Well all that talk about taking it slow kinda dissolved last nigh and I still want more but I hope it has taken the edge off and we can take it slow again cause as long as I don't know what this is and where we are going, I need to protect myself and don't let my feelings run off with me like they so easily tend to.
But by the light I want more of him... Much MUCH more and it will be hard to keep away. I may have only been with two people but it does seem that this past year have left me.. wanting.


- the light keep me sane this time

A peacefull morning

Yesterday was amazing... It has been a long time since I have just enjoyed a whole day with someone.
But the best part was how he was with Lilly, well for the short while I have known him he always asks how she is and yesterday he took the time to play and talk with her, showing genuine interest in her.

I couldn't concentrate at work all day so Sister Brianna let me off early. I went to Dalaran where I remember Starlight had once bought a lot of really delicious foods for a party. Mostly it was for inspiration as I like to make the food myself especially baking but some good wine and cheese and some of the ingredients I didn't have at home already.

Then I went home to get a shower and start preparing everything and then when everything was done I went outside to play with Jack and Lilly.

The evening went well I think... I know I enjoyed myself even though I almost forgot the food, so it was not as hot as i would have liked when we eat.

It was really nice but strange to see him in normal clothing and he was clearly a little uncomfortable about it.

When I went to sleep I was thinking about it all, the talk, the food and the beach... It really saddens me that he feel so little about himself when all I see is so much warmth and caring. A bit like Jas at the beginning always pushing people away and everyone got annoyed when he was around, always saying the wrong thing... But I saw behind that, just like now... There is so much more to him, if only he could see that himself.

I woke when he came back, though I didn't let him know. I wanted to know what he would do cause we have only kissed and it was well quite a leap of faith to let him come and sleep especially after I myself had gone home.
He snug into the bed and placed his arm around me, careful not to wake me. If he only knew that Amber had already alerted me to a stranger cause though he might think outer wise I am well protected out here on my own and leaving the door unlocked is something I would never do if I was not.
And of course he doesn't know that more or less since Jerry died I haven't slept a whole night, well besides the night at the mage tower.
It was nice just laying there and listening to his strong and steady heartbeat. I placed myself on my elbow beside him when he had fallen asleep and regarded him.
No darkness to trace in his relaxed face. Sadly him being asleep made me miss his dark green eyes.
I couldn't help but to kiss him and I almost started laughing out loud as he mumbled something and turns around gripping me tightly in his arms and holding me close.
After that I feel asleep and I to my surprise I slept all night and until noon.
Thane was gone by then. I was a little sad he didn't wake me but he did leave a note thanking me for a nice evening...

Well time to get out of bed and get Lilly cause I miss her and today I will spend all day with her. I did after all get sister Brianna to take my place at the cathedral today...

I wonder when I'll see him again...


- Light let him see himself though my eyes and protect the ones I care about

In the morninglight at the cliff

He seems so supricingly caring... It was a very long day at the cathedral and I was just going to relax a little by the water when all of sudden Thane pops up.. well I should be use to him doing that by now. His tracking skills are amazing...

He was worried that I was an easy target though I am actually not sure for what?
I dont fear walking around Stormwind.

We flew to the lighthouse.. And not only did we fly no no it was on him! I mean he used that potion that can somehow change him into a dragon or drake, I dont really know the different... I twas a miracle I didnt fall off...
It is facinating that one can just magically transform like that. I Wonder how it must feel... to fly i mean by yourself.. like those druids that can turn into birds... I have always envied that.

We talked a little but I was SO tired that I had to call it a night but I am really looking forward to tonight... I hope he will enjoy it... I just hope I can finish the dress in time...

It is nice to have a reason to finishe the dresses I started on over a year ago... I Wonder if he will come in armor or not... I would like to see him in regular clothes not that the leather is bad though.

Well time for work and the to prepare...


- Light make it special

Walking through the fields of Westfall

What an evening...

I didnt see that comming... not so fast anyways... But he kissed me first... Oh well I am very excited to see where this leads.
I cant stop giggling, I haven't felt like this is a long time.

No need for a lot of details...
But I do need to talk with Haleth if he responds to my letter that is...

I didn't get to see Jas but he was properly with Irenya... I hate that I can get jealous seeing them together or well it is more the knowing as they are never -seen- together really... And yes it must be the knowing since Hire was vexing me as well.

He scared the light out of me when he pulled that stunt with falling out of the tree... Maybe I am just not use to people being able to react so fast, more use to regular people I mean, but Rey seemed to be use to it... Funny that I don't mind the notion that Thane has been with Rey but can get all jealous that Jas has been with Hira?

Well with my luck in men something is bound to go wrong and sooner rather than later so I just need to hold back a little and not get so hurt again, three times has been more than enough and yes I know that that is next to nothing to many people and Thom and I we never got further than a kiss, then there was Jas the first for me to be intimate with and then Jerry the first one who wanted more...

Will there be a first with Thane or will my luck ruin that too?

It was really.. REALLY hard to leave.. I must admit I have begun to have needs now even though i don't really want to admit it...
But he is right in it best that we take it slow and I am really looking forward to the date.

I think those green eyes will haunt my dream tonight...

By the pond

It was a little easier to have my thought stay clear this evening... I mean I did finish the dress just to see that look but I just got some of the old feelings back... We could never.. I would be wrought with jealousy all the time.
When Hire came I remembered all to well and I also remember that he was with her for a while...
No I need to keep my thought elsewhere and well where better than at a charming good looking guy that everyone seems to dislike... Wait it was the same with Jerry most of Starlight thought him a fool, that was why we talked about leaving so many times and well we were with the Circle for quite some time.

No I really like talking to Thane, I just hope Rey dosen't get angry or anything...
And those dark green eyes... hmmm one could get lost in them...
I know I need to tread carefully not because i fear anything from him but because I am not sure if I like him or if it is just because i am SO lonely...

I don't know what he thinks of me, especially with that goodbye.. I wouldn't mind more.. I mean to talk to him more... There is something so akin to him...

I know the darkness way to well and I see some of the man he tries to hide away.. and I like what I see. That and the good looks... AND he is concerned for Lilly...
I just like when they are not like all the rest...

Of course we are still worlds apart in how we view the world but was I so different back then from how he views it now?

Well lets see what happens next... cause that will be his move...


Light set me free