Faith

(At home in Westfall)

After tonight i have decided not to sell the house anyway. He may have broken my heart but i will no longer let his memories break my spirit.

Tomorrow i think ill redo the whole place and get rid of all that reminds me of him...

It has been so long since i have prayed last, or been to the cathedral. Tomorrow i think i will go there as well maybe see if i can find sister Brihanna.
It feels as if all my faith in the world has returned and all the darkness that was festering inside of my soul has been burned away... burned away but that fire i feel when ever i look at him. That knot i get in my stomach.

His eyes so blue and intense but always with that spark of life, teasingly gleem.
What's is it with me and blue eyes?

I remember i thought him a brother, a dear friend in the start but no i fooled myself cause he is so much more to me.. he always has been!

Ohh the light burn my soul, that goodbye was hard, his body against mine, to kiss his tender soft his lips only for a second. It felt like an inferno and all my senses were screaming for more...
I remember thinking back in the beginning that I could just as easilly have lost my heart to him if he had not been such a ladies man, seems i did.
Have i just hit it away all this time? Because of the fear?
He told me once he could never be with one that would tie him down and i believed him i believe that still.
It made all so much easier back then as i liked them both but i knew so little about who they were. 
So when Jerry pulled away it was easy to follow the other path ... not needing to think more over what could have been... What can be now?

He has always been right there beside me, been nice to me, complimenting me, standing up for me... noticing me, even when the only one that should be noticing me did not...

I have hurt Jerry so much in the past yet he still stand by me as if nothing has ever happened.

Funny thing is that all the time i have been away, running. I cried over Jas but it was Jerry i missed? Was it just because he was the one to comfort me, be there for me... or was it more?

Why has this always been so hard and confusing when it should just be simple.

I should have never come between them...!
But if they were his friends, how could they say such cruel things behind his back, give him all the blame for my faulting, dismiss him for being a fool.
I have always felt that Jerry and i never truely belong amongst Starlight... though i love each and everyone of them but they were so quick to judge, so full of spite.

I remember up at light hopes chapel. He came as soon as i asked him to, holding me tightly, telling me that everything would get better and no matter what they said he would be there for me. 
I wanted to have him stay just to keep the darkness away, he made me calm down, but it would only mean more trouble as they would all think they had been together then... Yet he was the only one there... non of the others with all their good intentions and large words.

I don't know what to expect of our next meeting... does he even know what he touched inside her? I dont think so... He never thinks...

It was so hard to leave him like that knowing what he will probably do afterwards but she needed him to think over this... to meet her without the lust. It will be hard to stay at a distant and neutral to wait for what he says and does.

*a drop of blood is smeared on the page*
Dammit this dress needs to be finished... He will be my second... wonder if he even know how many he has been with. 
I feel the little voice in the back of my head warning me, that this will end badly, that i am opening myself to the darkness again... But i need to take the chance.. 

- The light guide me and keep my soul forever safe